Breakable
by HunterJumpergirl26
Summary: An slight alternate finale and my alternatative to season 7! mainly Derek's POV but Izzie comes back for Alex though as well.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, so this fic is mostly going to be Derek's POV it's a look at the finale through his perspective and it will be slightly tweaked, instead of Gary Clarke dying the cops will come in and shoot him in the hand before he shoots himself, I think it will be interesting to write the trial and having to have the victims and witnesses testify against him. This will be sort of an alternate version of season 7 all together, please R&R and tell me what you think**

**p.s. I'm thinking about bringing Izzie back, what do you think?**

The endless sea of paperwork only seems to grow larger as I waste my morning away. This job…it may be the biggest mistake I've ever made. I miss the OR, Nelson, who is pretty much a mediocre version of me gets to be down there cutting and I, well I get to sit up here all day figure out a bunch of crap that I honestly don't feel like sorting out. The ticking of each second on the clock seems to be getting slower and slower and the anxiety finally begins to build in my system.

"You paged?" she says as her footsteps lightly pad across the office floor.

"I like to say hello to my wife every 48 hours." I say dully as I stand up to kiss her lightly "You didn't come last night." I say resenting the lack of sleep I got without her.

"I told you, every Tuesday night I'm trolling for cases, last night a guy crashed his motorcycle, had rebar jammed in the base of his skull and Shadow Shepard let _me_ do the extraction." She says giggling with pleasure. Her pure adorableness brings a smile to my face but I can't help but resent the fact that she gets to do actual medical procedures because my new head of Neuro thinks she's hot, when it should be _me_ letting her do the extraction. God I hate this job.

"You know what I've been doing today? Paperwork, you know what I have to look forward to today… more paperwork, this job is just… I'd love to have something jammed in the base of my skull that way maybe I can see the inside of an OR." I say hoping to maybe exert a little bit of pity from her. She inhales deeply.

"Ok, well are you gonna come home early tonight, because we can order in and I have some stuff to tell you." She says. Damn, I knew I missed something in this spread sheet. She looks at me for a second expecting an answer.

"Yeah I'll be there." I say distracted now by sheet.

"Ok I have to go; I'm on Sloan's post Ops." She says still smiling despite the fact. I'm supposed to be the happy one…

"I hate that you're so happy." I say studying her blissful expression. I turn my attention back to the post OP notes now.

"Derek, there is going to be a lot of dirty sex for you tonight, look forward to that." My head instantly pops up at this and my eyes catch her seductive grin, at least I have this going for me.

The notes continue to catch my attention and the minutes continue to drag on, the seconds seem like hours and the need to move around makes itself present. As soon as I'm done with these… I'm taking one of Nelson's surgeries, maybe a Craniotomy. A gush of air rushes in as the door opens I advert my gaze for a minute… what the hell does she want now.

"Dr. Kepner."I say trying to hide the annoyance in my voice. Wait, what the hell? My head shoots up again to see her figure, she's covered in _blood._ A patient's? I stand up and make my way over to her "What is it?" I say concerned now for the poor thing.

"Do you know I grew up on farm…" she says, her whole body shaking.

"What happened?" I question, in some shock now.

"I grew up on a farm so you know, blood… blood doesn't, it doesn't bother me. I slaughtered a pig once, that was a lot of blood, to bleed like a stuck pig, you know that's a saying something, you know to bleed like a pig that means something… but you know you don't think of people having that much blood, you learn in med school how many pints we have in us but, but you don't get it until you see, I mean my god a skinny person...i mean my god Reed she's pretty much anorexic she's like 5lbs you wouldn't think that she'd have that much blood in her but.. She did… she did… she…" oh my god… I put my hands around her face now trying to get her to focus… what the hell happened. I move my hands down to around her shoulder now.

"April, you're in shock…tell me what happened." I say calmly trying to get her to explain.

"Reeds dead, someone shot her!" she says as the tears begin to pour out of her eyes now. My breathe catches for a moment… did she just says someone _shot_ her. My brain starts to go into overdrive and the bored haze I was previously in instantly seems to vanish… there's a shooter in the hospital. I hand April a pair of my navy blue scrubs now.

"April there's a bathroom in the back of the office go get cleaned up and change into these." I say as gently as I can.

I call the head of security now.

"Dr. Kepner just came in and told me that was shot on the premises." I say trying to hide the panic in my voice. I pull out the hospital rules and regulations manual now.

"Are you serious?" he says dumbstruck… moron!

"Do I sound like I'm joking?" I reply more snidely than I wanted to, slight guilt hits me now at the tone I used with him.

"What do we do?" he says in panic now. Wonderful… just wonderful.

"What do you mean? You don't know what to do?" I say more loudly now.

"Well… this has never happened before" he says defensively.

"I know this has never happened before." Eureka! Found it. "Ok I found it, lockdown, nobody goes anywhere." I say.

"Alright send out a page and I'll get my guys on it." He replies. With that I hang up. I make my way over to the door but first I stop at April. The blood is still plastered on her forehead from when she rubbed her head. I take a Kleenex and lightly dab it away. And start to head towards the door.

"Where are you going?" she says concerned.

"I have to go make sure everyone stays where they are." I say

"But what if you get shot?" she says, fear starts to well in the bottom of my stomach… _Meredith._

"I'm the chief this is my hospital… it's my job to make sure everyone's safe." I say trying not to sound affected by her comment. "Stay here and I'll be right back." I say trying to sound relaxed. I walk out the door now and at the sight of her absolute terror hits my gut._ Why the hell did she leave where she was?_

"Hey what are you doing here?" I say trying not to sound too panicked.

"Ehh… walking?" Cristina replies smartly. I roll my eyes in frustration now.

"We're in lock down." I say seriously, trying to get a reaction from them

"Yeah well we're not walking outside." She says grinning smirking at me.

"That's not what lockdown means… it means stay where you are." I say quietly looking over my shoulder and around now, paranoid that the shooter is near. The fear starts to build and I can feel my breathe getting more shallow as Cristina and Meredith babble between one another loudly, the last thing I need is for them to advertise to the shooter where we are, I snap back to reality now and guide them to a supply closet. "Stay here, there's a shooter loose in the hospital, I'll come get you when the cost is clear." I say trying not to worry Meredith, she gives me a panicked/concerned glance but I deflect it, not wanting her to see the fear written across my own features. I start to turn around now.

"Derek! Where are you going?" she says almost in agitation at my stupidity.

"I have to go down to the ORs just stay here!" I say desperately hoping she'll listen to me for at least once in her life.

/

_Who shoots up a hospital?_ I jog back towards my office now with fear still looking around to make sure the cost is clear.

"Dr. Shepard." A familiar voice calls my name, where do I know this voice? I turn around and face him now. "You don't even know who I am… do you?" he says, Mr. Clarke, the man still brings a pang of guilt every time I see him.

"Mr. Clarke." I say compassionately "You shouldn't be here it's dangerous you could get hurt." I say gesturing for him to come with me to my office.

"You hurt me when you decided to kill my wife." He says pulling out a gun now… oh my god. He's the shooter, my breathe catches in fear now and my heart seems to beat into my ears. "What kind of hospital is this? It isn't safe here; somebody has to protect people _from you._" He says in disgust still holding his weapon up at me. "Handing down judgments… like your God!" he growls. I raise my hands now… not knowing what else to do. "Mr. Clarke please." I plead, my voice barely getting out.

"Well you don't get to play God." He says ignoring the plea. I start to speak but the fear cripples my ability to do so and my body starts to shake slightly now.

"NO talking! You're not the man here… I'm the man here." He yells in anger, the tears start to prick at the corners of my eyes now. _Please don't shoot me._

"Mr. Clarke, listen to me…. I know your loss, I lost my father, when I was kid two men killed him for his watch… right in front me…. Right in front me." I says tearing up more just at the memory. "I didn't become a doctor because I wanted to be God; I became a doctor because I wanted to save lives. Look at me please, I'm a human being, I make mistakes, I'm flawed. I make mistakes, we all do. I think today… for you it's just a mistake, you want justice, you want someone to pay." I say staring into his eyes now desperately trying to get him to see me as human. "But you're a good man Mr. Clarke, I can see it in your eyes… can you see it mine? Can You?" I say calmly, he starts to lower the gun and slight relief spreads through me I exhale slightly but keep the contact. Now it's just a waiting game.

"Dr. Shepard! Thank god your back!" she exclaims, I turn my attention to her now.

"Get back!" I say desperately, damnit! I rush back around to face Clarke, hoping the gun still…. The loud boom fills my ears and the impact hits my chest like a someone just threw a ton of bricks at me, I flinch from the immense pain, and I feel myself falling. What the hell just happened? I lay there flat on my back staring up at the ceiling fan the round and round motion catches my attention so easily. My head is in a daze, my eyelids begin to close now and I hear screams now…. Meredith, _why is she screaming?_ My eyes flash open now. I just go shot! The fear finally kicks in and the shear agony seems to hit every time I breathe… it's like someone's jabbing me in the ribs or something, desperately I try to get the breathes out, I glance down to see pools of red already surrounding me. I touch the spot on my chest and the hot red liquid covers my hand, that's my blood… I'm bleeding. I can hear Kepner rambling desperately in the background but… heads to clouded to comprehend what it is she's saying.

He points his gun back at me and I raise my hand defensively, don't shoot again.

"Mr. Clarke Please." I say in desperation. He continues to point at me until his gaze shifts elsewhere, he runs off quickly now, I press my hand to the wound, and though it's ineffective I try to stop the blood currently rushing out of my chest. The pain continues to sear within me.

"Derek! Do. Not. Die." She says desperately "I pick you choose you, you don't get to die on me!" I grab her hand now, _I'm dying_ her presence is comforting… even if she's yelling. Her hand leaves mine now and pushes down harder on my chest, I put my hand on top of hers again and Gary Clarke comes to my mind.

"Mer…get outta here….before he" a cough rips through me causing complete agony "Shoots up too." I say, the thought of him looking at Meredith even makes me nauseous. Why won't she ever listen to me? I told her to stay in the closet but no she has to come get me. The thoughts turn into a haze and the yelling becomes more distant. Slowly I start to fade…

"Derek, you don't get to die on me! You hear me I can't live without you!" she cries desperately. Exhaustion continues to blaze through me and my eyelids start to droop. I feel her small hand on my shoulder now, shaking my as hard as she can't I fight to keep myself out.

"Derek, stay awake! You stay awake!" I open my eyes and continue to try… I need to stay awake for Meredith

"Ok, I'm awake." I say lazily.

/

I lay on the table in the OR now trying to breathe still, _I don't want to die._ The cowardly fear coils in me. Cristina and Meredith are whispering the corner obviously panicked. She runs over to me now and rests her hand on my stomach.

"Ok, they're going to find Teddy, it's gonna be ok, it's gonna be ok." She says panicky, though she tries not to alarm me. I inhale deeply and study her angelic features, covered in terror.

"Kiss me." I plead lightly, she looks at me for a moment as though I'll break, but she leans down and presses her soft lips to mine, I need a reason to live, and she just reminded me of it. "I'm not gonna die, I promise." I whisper softly to her. She chokes back her tears now.

"Good… 'Cuz that would be the worst breakup ever." She says. I laugh but the pain intensifies and it just turns into me gasping for air "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry." She says grabbing my hand now. I gently begin to caress the back of it now and she reaches for an IV bag letting go of my hand now she hangs it on the pole and ties a knot on my arm. She dashes of now and grabs a small black bottle. She uses her soft light fingers to gently rub some kind of gel on me, finally she sticks me with the needle, shockingly I don't feel a thing. "That waza… good stick, I didn't even feel it." I slur lightly. She lightly giggles now as the tears still fall from her eyes.

"It was more the antiseptic cream; Iz told me it numbs your arm." She says gently stroking my arm now, quickly she drapes me now with the dark blue paper-like sheets and the fear starts to rise again, _I can't die and leave my Meredith._ I continue to put on my brave face though, Derek, you are going to live, I tell myself over and over now, she sits back down next to me after God knows how long and lightly grabs my hand again. The struggle to breathe seems to escalate with each passing second, it's as though I'm drowning. My gaze stays on Meredith, not wanting to look anywhere else.

"Dr. Grey, we're ready to put him under now." says the voice of Dr. Harrison, one of the Anethesiologist.

"I love you." I whisper quietly to her as he stands near us now.

"I love you too." She says, the tears falling down her cheeks now. She continues to grip my hand as the familiar mask goes over my nose, the gas starts to fill through me and she slowly fades from my view, second by second, she gets cloudier…

/

Isobel Stevens' heart races as she watches the news story. _Someone is seriously shooing up the hospital?_ Portland has been good to her, she started her medical residency at Portland Med. And it's been going well, the cancer is still in remission which she still continues to be thankful for, but now someone is potentially shooting her friends… no _her family_, while she sits here and watches on the news. She shoots up from her seat now and races to the airport, she has to make sure everyone is ok. She grabs her phone out of her purse now and dials.

"Hello, this is speaking." He says in his monotone phone answering voice.

"Hello, this is Isobel Stevens, I'm sorry but I won't be in to work today." She says, her voice still shaking.

", what's wrong?" he says slightly concerned by the young resident's tone of voice, in the eight months she's worked there, she has never once called in sick, never once been late for _anything_, and she always stayed after to look on patients the other residents would rather blow off.

"It's just a family emergency." She says really hoping her new boss wouldn't fire her on the spot for this.

"I understand Dr. Stevens I can get one of the other residents to cover for you today at least, but I can't make any guarantees about the next day or anymore time you may need." He responds almost sympathetically. Relief almost fills through her at the fact that he wasn't made at her.

"Thank you, but I don't think it will be necessary." She says trying to sound perky and sure of herself. She won't need to be away for more than a day because she's overreacting and her former family will be fine…..

/

The white serene space surrounds me as I stand here. I breathe…so easily, the pain is _gone. _ Where am I? Did I die? Was there too much damage? Oh my God, Meredith! I can't let her have to live without me.

"You're not dead." Says an all-to-familiar female voice, I turn to the right and look at her. Her long blonde hair and kind blue eyes seem to pierce another hole through my heart just thinking about her.

"Jen?" I question lightly. This is the pregnant woman with the aneurysm, _the woman I killed._

"Derek." She replies.

"I…I… your dead! I killed you!" I exclaim in horror and defeat.

"You didn't kill me, it was my time to go." She replies "Your only human." She says grabbing my arm now.

"Where am I?" I question.

"You're having surgery at the moment I believe." She says "I'm here to make sure you live through it to get back to Meredith." She says gently trying to calm me down.

"Why? I… I killed you I mean I didn't get you back to your husband I tried so hard! But your brain it just kept swelling and I… they wouldn't give me the blood." I say, the sobs attack my body now.

"Derek, you didn't kill me." She emphasizes "You tried your best to save me but I was beyond saving." She says

"_I_ made a mistake." I say pained still. "Why do you want to help me?" I question.

"I forgive you for making it Derek, and I can help you now." she replies. The scene changes and we're on a beach of some sort… She gestures for me to follow her into the woods; we start to walk through large green bushes. The confusion still seems to sit in the back of my mind, this is just… my brain on drugs… what else can it be.

"Is this real?" I question

"I honestly don't know the answer to that but, it feels real enough to me." She says. The uphill slope of the jungle starts to gradually get harder to work my way up. The heat beams down on me now and scorches me as I walk. The breaths start to get shallow in my chest, but not like they were when I was shot.

"Why is this getting so hard?" I question.

"Derek, I really don't know anything." She says honestly wishing she had the answers. We continue to walk and the terrain continues to get harder, the sky darkens now and rain starts to pour. It soaks me instantly and chills me to the bone. I shake violently as I continue to walk.

"Dr. Shepard." I hear his voice I freeze instantly. His icy blue eyes stare into mine and I stop dead in my tracks. I feel myself getting panicked and I can feel my heart beat increasing. He raises his gun at me again. "You don't get to live." He sneers. I franticly raise my arms in defense again.

"please." Is all that manages to make its way out of my vocal cords.

"Derek, make him go away!" says Jen franticly. How?

"You can't make me go away Shepard." He laughs.

"Come on Derek! This is your brain! Not his, get control of your own mind" she bellows at me. The scene starts to darken yet again, it gets darker and darker by the minute and Clarke just continues to laugh.

"Come on! Think about something good, think about Meredith!" Jen says, Meredith I start to think of her now flashes of moments between the two of us start to play in my head.

"_I think we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart."_

"_You'll love me, even when you hate me."_

"_Do you wanna move in with me?"_

"_Pick me. Choose me. Love me."_

"_I love you, and I know you can do this."_

The images of our moments fly through me and relax me now; everything else starts to fade out…

/

An annoying beeping noise chimes in the background as my eyes gently flutter open. ? Is he dead? Is he still at loose? Did he… did he get Meredith? The questions fill my cloudy head. I try to get my brain to tell my mouth to speak but the words won't come out… why is there something down my throat? I raise my hand, wanting to take it out now but it only makes it about a centimeter of the bed, a light grip grabs my hand now, and the outline of her face finally becomes clearer… a grey blob now.

"Hey… shh Derek its ok Mr. Clarke is in police custody now and you've out of surgery for three hours now. You can't talk right now though because you're still intubated but the tube will be out soon, everything is fine, you're going to be fine." Meredith. Her voice calms me down and the image gradually starts to become clearer. I'm alive. She leans down towards me and the scent of lavender fills my nostrils now, the smell puts all the blur and rush in my brain at ease I gradually start to close my eyes again.

/

My eyes start to open again now but the pain slices through my chest. I let out a moan now and blink rapidly to clear the haze. Pair of eyes I know are looking down on me with concern. Big and brown. Gradually the image clears up and her long very blonde curls become clear as well.

"Stevens?" I say barely whispering, the burning sensation in my throat makes it uncomfortable to talk.

"Derek, Meredith went to get something to eat and I told her I'd sit with you but she should be back soon." She says.

"I… though you left." I say lightly, am I really this drugged up?

"I came back when I heard about this on the news and I had to come make sure everyone is alright." She replies. "You saved my life, the least I can do is make sure your still alive." She says gently.

"I got everyone killed." I say "Gary Clarke… that man came here for me, I gave the order to pull the plug on his wife, I got everyone shot." I say in agony. This is my fault, all my fault. She doesn't say anything now just continues to sit next to me. The pain still swells in my chest and the unavoidable exhaustion creeps back over me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok so here's chapter 2! Please R&R. Starts off with a dream/flashback of the day Derek's dad was shot. Ok, Izzie also goes to see Alex I'm planning on having them get back together eventually it won't be right away but they'll work back into a relationship. Please give me your feedback! And I hope you enjoy**

_Annoyance, anger, and sheer bitterness all seem to flood through me at the same time._ _The rain continues fall harder and harder as I walk, I can feel it dripping off my crazy excuse for hair at this very moment, Mark, bitter resentment hits me now, I get to walk home alone in the rain and he gets to be in the warm gym for basketball practice all because I was too tiny to make the team. A gust of winds blows now and I shiver runs down my spine. The hardware store sine seems to call out to me the sheer appeal of the dry, warm space makes me forget the extra two miles it'll take me to walk home. I make my way over towards the door now and the familiar jingling noise the bells make when someone enters chimes through my eardrums, his gaze adverts from Amelia towards the door now. _

"_Derek, I thought you were going home?" he questions, obviously surprised to see me._

"_Yeah but I couldn't get a ride and I figured I should get out of the rain." I say in my usual all-to-quite voice. He approaches me now and my own eyes seem to glance back at me, he looks like me but, better looking. His hair is dark like all of ours but unlike my afro his is styled to perfection, his nose is like mine but, unlike mine the rest of his face is grown into it. He has dark stubble around his chin which, of course I've yet to grow; his jaw is also wider, like Mark's. He also has the big foot-ball-player like build that I so long for, unfortunately for me I've seemed to inherited my mother's smaller frame. His eyes meet mine now full of concern._

"_Derek, your soaking wet." He says, he makes his way back to behind the counter and grabs something, clothes hopefully. "Wear these, I have extra clothes for all of you just in case." He says._

_The familiar essence of the store surrounds me now, the smell of pine, the panorama of the small town, the dim lighting and high ceiling fans, even the small crack in the wall behind the counter._

"_Oh, Michael they look exactly alike!" exclaims Mrs. Paxton in utter delight, wow just what every twelve year old wants to hear, he looks just like his five year old little sister. I groan at this and he flashes me a look now, guilt and a bit of fear hits me as she turns to leave._

"_Derek, don't be rude." He says simply obviously slightly angry at my reaction._

"_Sorry." I say quietly, I turn around now trying to avoid his gaze. He makes his way to the front of the store now leaving me and Amy in the back._

"_Haha, you got in trouble!" she sings braggingly, feelings of annoyance and anger boil through me now, that little…_

"_Shut up Amy!" I exclaim in anger, already embarrassed that Dad yelled at me in the first place. _

"_Your just mad because Dad got mad at you." She says grinning at me, she sticks out her tongue and I snap, I mean a kid can only take so much! I lunge at her and she lets out a yelp. He comes over now to see what's causing the all the noise. Tears cascade down her face now and even I feel slightly guilty… well great I'm screwed. _

"_Really Derek you can't just leave your sister alone? What is wrong with you tonight?" he questions, his voice raising to a yell now. Shame seems to rain down on me like the storm outside now; quickly I make my way towards the door as she continues to cry. "Derek!" he exclaims, I turn my gaze now and he gestures for me to come back over, drama queen continues to blubber her head off but I make my way over._

"_Amy, stop crying." He says in his light tone. She shakes her head from left to right rapidly now. He looks over at the register and pulls out a penny, he sobs instantly turn to a smile and she laughs out in delight, little faker. She hugs him tightly now and he returns it as she sits up on the counter. _

"_Daddy, I have to put this in the floor boards so I can save up to buy my town!" she exclaims happily, he rubs her on the head lightly and picks her up, he gently plops her down on the ground and she runs off to the back of the store._

"_Derek, don't leave, it's raining and the last thing I want is for you to get sick." He says using his light tone again. "What's wrong with you tonight?" he questions. I advert my gaze and I can feel my cheeks redden with embarrassment now. _

"_Mark's at basketball practice and I didn't even make the team" I admit quietly. _

"_Derek, it's no big deal." He says, easy for you to say I'm sure you made all the teams you tried out for. "So, you haven't hit your growth spurt yet, don't worry you'll hit it and you can try out next year when you're in eighth grade." He says smiling down at me._

"_Ok, I'm sorry dad." I say._

"_It's ok Derek but just because your day didn't go well doesn't mean you get to take it out on your little sister." He says more seriously._

"_But dad come one she was faking she I didn't even touch her she just wanted to get me into trouble again!" I say raising my voice in frustration now._

"_I know but Derek she's five, and she's your little sister it's your job to look out for her." He says calmly. "Your older and more responsible, believe it or not she thinks you walk on water." He says smirking; Amy admires me, no way. _

"_No way." I say blowing his comment off._

"_It's true Derek" he says grinning at me now. We stand there for a minute and watch as she sits there counting her pennies and carefully putting them back in between the floor boards. Two men make their way towards the store now and both our gazes stay stuck on them, they walk in zigzagged paths, like their drunk or something. They come closer and closer and I can feel my Dad tenses up as they come nearer. The images become clearer now and the taller man on the right is clearly holding a slightly squared based bottle with a long top and amber brown liquid within it, maybe that explains the walking…_

"_Derek, I want you to go and hide in the back of the store with your sister and whatever you do not come out until these men leave, keep your little sister quiet and back there with you I don't care if you have to block her mouth, you hear me? Take care of her back there." He says…. Seriously a shiver runs down my spine now and I can feel myself starting to shake now, he's never sounded this serious about anything before. His voice scares me now "Got it." He repeats in the same urgent tone. I nod quickly and run to the back. The familiar jingling noise of the chimes ring in my ears and my heart beat excels. _

"_Give me all the money." Comes a slurred voice, muffled slightly from the small door hiding me and Amy from view from the front of the store. _

"_Ok, ok take it easy I'm getting it now." he says, is voice more shaky than I've ever heard it before. The small, black gun points at his head now and I start to shake violently. He hands over the money but, the men aren't leaving._

"_What's going on with Daddy!" she exclaims, perhaps too loudly. I turn to her now. _

"_Shh Amy we have to be quiet until these men leave ok? Dad wants us too." I say taking her small hand now. _

"_Give me the watch too." The man's terrible voice says I shudder at the sound of it; the thought of that man with my father's watch makes me angry._

"_No." he replies, his voice trying to sound strong, the pan points his gun at Dad's head now and Amy lets out a yelp, quickly my hand covers her mouth, she tries desperately to break free now and make her way over to Dad, she runs out the slightly opened door but I dash out after her, I pull her into my arms listening to his words._

"_I'm not going to repeat myself." The tall blonde man says louder this time._

"_My wife gave me this as a gift, I gave you all your money, now just leave." He says, his voice sounds…odd like he's crying, my dad doesn't cry. A loud noise fills my ears now and the shock seems to hit me, they just shot my dad! Amy tries to break free yet again but I pull her closer and hide behind the counter, the tears finally attack my eyes now and confusion strikes me, what do I do? It's as if I can't even move. I just pull her close to me now as she cries along with me, I stroke her hair lightly desperately trying to comfort her as she sobs, prayer after prayer fills my head as we sit here. Seconds, Minutes, hours? I really don't know which go by and shuffling footsteps seem to leave out the front entrance now, my grip on Amy stays tight. My dad, I start to sob harder now at the realization, my father is dead._

_/_

Meredith makes her way back into Seattle Grace now anxiety and a slight discomfort from the procedure seem to tug at her now. Her mind instantly flashes back to Derek, _Is he still ok?_ A slight fear starts to rise from the bottom of her stomach but she continues to walk as the memories flood back into her mind.

"_Meredith Stay here, I'll come get you when the coast is clear."_

"_Your good man Mr. Clarke, I can see it in your eyes…. Can you see it in mine?"_

"_Meredith get outta here….before..he shoots you too."_

"_Kiss me."_

She shudders as all the thoughts attack her head at once. She pushes through and continues to make her way upstairs to the cardiac ICU. The crime tape continues to surround certain areas in the hospital and the blood on the walls and floor is yet to be cleaned. The place is flooding with cops as well; though she grew up in this hospital it feels…._odd_ to her. This is her safe place and the fact that her husband actually almost died here still puts her at awe. She quietly makes her way down the long hallway and through the post-op recovery room; the movement throughout the hospital is automatic to her. The round red and white desk at the nurses' station seems familiar to her as she makes her way back to it. Izzie, there's another unexpected blow for her; Izzie coming back also blows her mind. She misses her friend though. She stops at the station for a minute and the cramps in her lower abdomen seem to yell at her "sit down!" she flinches slightly. A tall blonde figure begins to move toward her and she immediately recognizes her good friend and former room mate

"Hey IZ, how is he?" she questions slightly nervous to ask. "Did he wake up at all while I was gone?" she questions, hoping to get a no, as odd as some people might think it is, the thought of her poor Derek waking up without her there makes her feel uneasy.

"He's still stable and he woke up for a minute but, he fell back a sleep right away." She says quietly, leaving out the fact that he went on and blamed himself for this whole ordeal.

"Oh, well I mean… what did he say? He's not in a lot of pain right? She questions anxiously. Izzie looks at her friend now… really looks at her. Her eye make is smudged on her face slightly, apparent that she had been crying her color is…pale, she's always had porcelain-like skin but she's paler than she even usually is and for Meredith… that's saying a lot. Concern for her friend takes over her priorities now.

"He only really asked why I was here but he didn't say anything about pain, really Meredith he was literally only awake for a few seconds." She says reassuringly smiling at her friend now.

"Thanks… for um you know sitting with him while I was…doing some stuff or whatever, I, so where have you been?" Meredith questions awkwardly now. The whole nervous babbling thing gets taken to a whole new extreme when she's tired.

"I've been in Portland my residency is going well." She says brightly "And Mer, it's no problem… me sitting with Derek I mean he saved my life." Izzie says quietly. "But they took him down for a scan as well while you were gone, it looks really good, and he should recover fully." Izzie says even brighter now desperately trying to get her friend to smile. A small smile does play Meredith's lips now.

"That's a relief." She replies quietly "I know the main reason you're hear Iz." She says quietly. "Alex is at Seattle Pres. He's in room 2983 and he was in bad shape for a while now but he's stable." She says quietly.

"Thank you Mer." She says quietly pulling her into a hug now as tears roll down her face. "I want you to go and get some sleep though; Mark's been with Derek this whole time too so I don't think he's leaving anytime soon either." Izzie says over her shoulder as she walks away from her friend. Meredith nods lightly and makes her way back into the familiar room she glances at Derek who thankfully is still stable and sleeping. The puffy blue couch catches her attention and she makes her way over to it now. She sits for a moment, and then lays her head down. The exhaustion she didn't even know she felt finally hits her and she closes her eyes, peacefully to sleep.

/

I blink rapidly at the change in light as my eyelids finally will themselves to open, the memories from when I was twelve start to continue to whirl around in my mind. The pain sits in my chest, like someone's splitting it apart. Post-OP discomfort my ass. Mr. Clarke and all the people I'm responsible for getting shot all seem to attack my clouded head, I will my eyes to open more now and her pair of worried blue-green irises become clear to me, has she been sitting here the whole time?

"Hey" she says quietly leaning into me now.

"I'm sorry." My throat burns violently as the words try to come out at more than I whisper.

"Derek, what are you sorry for?" she questions, the exhaustion is evident in her voice. Her right hand gently tweaks her noise, she does that whenever she's really tired or scared, she's probably both. I open my mouth but the burning in my throat keeps them from coming out.

"Water?" I say in desperation though¸ it's nothing above a scratchy whisper I don't even recognize as my voice. Her gaze meets mine now and defeat and sorrow cloud her features.

"Derek-I… you've only been out of surgery for 22 hours and I talked to Teddy she wants to keep you off water until at least 28." She says, tears forming in the corners of her eyes now. Defeat and disappointment seem to take over now, _please don't cry Meredith_. I hate myself for even asking now but 22 hours? It's really been that long.

"Mer, s'ok, don't cry." I slur quietly again.

"I can go get ice chips." She says a bit more brightly, a fake smile taking her face now. I nod lightly, or whatever I just did, I doubt it was really a nod. She leans in and the lavender becomes stronger, she places a soft kiss on lips, her lips feel soft against mine and I relax for moment. "I'll be right back." She says soothingly. My visions blurs even more and she stands up quickly and leaves the room, I advert my gaze now finally able to take in the surroundings of the room, the small window on the wall to the left, the big blue couch that she had obviously been sleeping on due to the blanket and of course…. Mark a sleep on a chair in the corner. The pain is increased but my mind is slightly more clear, more alert. The morphine must finally be wearing off. Worry also starts to burrow its way into my mind, Meredith, is she ok? The blame and self-hatred continue to flow but… how can I tell her this? She's been through enough the last thing she needs to hear is me telling her how much I hate myself right now. Her figure makes its way back into the room now. She looks…. Almost sick as well as exhausted. Her hair is tucked up in a messy bun, her makeup is still smeared a little on her face from crying, the dark denim on her jeans hugs her legs long lean legs more tightly than usual and the pink….why the hell is she wearing a pink hoody with hearts all over it? She takes the seat by the bed again and holds the cup of ice chips. I reach up my arm to get it but a sharp pain shoots through my entire arm and chest and I wince from the pain immediately, she takes it now and gently and slowly puts it back down on the bed.

"Derek, don't try too much yet, ok?" she says lightly "I can give you the ice chips." Her light grip leaves my other arm now and she reaches into the cup, how pathetic, I can't even feed myself. She picks it up and rubs it lightly on my lips, the water feels like heaven against the dry almost burning surface. She slides it into my mouth now and the dry horrible feeling begins to subside as it slowly melts, making its way down to my throat.

"Kinda pathetic, I can't even feed myself." I say still stupidly embarrassed.

"Derek, stop being and idiot and just appreciate my help." She says joking lightly. I smile at this an almost laugh flutters in my chest until I wince from the pain.

"Ok, thank you love, but why are you wearing a pink-heart hoody?" I question still lightly but the talking is at least less painful and easier now.

"It's Izzie's I was cold so she told me to wear it." She says laughing lightly. That explains it. A light rustling comes from the other side of the room and she adverts her gaze from me the Mark he stands up now and makes his way over.

"Hey." I say lightly greeting him.

"Hey man." He says exhaling deeply. He looks… the same yet…different. His scrubs are still on and he still looks intact just- not like Mark. I study him for a minute. His eyes are red rimmed, like he'd been _crying_. In the thirty two years I've known Mark, he's never once cried, sure he'd get pissed off and throw thing but he never cried… not once.

/

Izzie slowly makes her way through Seattle Pres. She feels herself getting nervous as she walks through, would he even want to see her? The questions harps the back of her mind. The last time she saw he told her to leave, would he still feel the same way? She makes her way to desk as the rustle continues to flow through the ER, due to the fact that people, other than critical patients are not going to SGMW hospital at all. An older nurse- maybe in her fifties with an annoyed look on her face stands behind it, scribbling angrily with her pen.

"Hi, I'm looking for an Alex Karev he was transferred here after the shooting at Seattle Grace." She says as politely as she can.

"I'm a little busy." The woman bites back, the nerve of some people, how can she just come in here during a huge rush and expect us to cater to her whim, go look for him yourself.

"Wait did you say Alex Karev?" another voice cuts in, she turns now toward the woman, she's blonde, tall skinny, has green eyes and looks to be in her mid-thirties.

"Yeah." She says smiling finally someone who's willing to be polite. She makes her way over and extends her hand out now the woman shakes it now. "Hi I'm Isobel Stevens." She says trying to hide her nerves.

"Teddy Altman, I'm the head of cardio at Seattle Grace, how do you know Karev?" she questions lightly.

"I-um well I, used to a surgeon at Seattle Grace and Alex and I are sort of well we got married." She says awkwardly. Realization hits Teddy now, this is the estranged wife.

"Ok, well I can take you to him." She says

"Thanks." Izzie says politely. She makes her way into the room and he's lying there… in the middle of the small bed. Her heart skips a beat at the site. Her heart rate is steady but, he's still intubated. A slightly familiar yet not familiar blonde figure with dark roots sits by the head… her head resting on the edge of it. Has he moved on? She makes her way over to the bed now and grabs his right hand now the figure resting on the bed stirs and looks up at her with familiar dark brown eyes.

"Izzie?" she questions in utter shock.

"Lexie, how is he?" she says lightly, has he really moved onto Lexie, really? Feelings hurt and anger flood through her now.

"He's doing well." She says slightly agitated that she showed up in the first place. "What are you doing here?" she says panicked.

"I had to check on him." She says lightly trying to calm her down now.

"Well aren't you just a great wife, you leave him but now you feel the need to check up on him, well you what Izzie he's moved on from you!" she exclaims in anger. Izzie jumps back now, shocked at her reaction. Alex slowly starts to come back from his slumber when he hears the yelling in the room, he opens his eyes slowly and he sees two figures yelling at one-another. Izzie? Shock fills through him, is she really here? There is absolutely no way, he knows he must be dead, he's gotta be dead. The yelling and the crazy current girlfriend. He's most definitely gone to hell.

/

The complete haze fills through me again as I open my eyes, the cloudiness in my head seems to be escalated now, but the pain is a bit less severe. A light and soothing noise comes from across the room, oddly soothing it wouldn't be to most but for me… it's reassuring.

"Dude, how the hell do you sleep with that every night?" he questions, I turn my head and see him now sitting in the chair near my bed with his arms hanging over the bed rail. Meredith's snoring.

"I like it." I reply.

"Wow, you really must be high right now." Mark replies smiling. "How does that noise come out of a tiny person like her?" he questions "And how can _you_ a light sleeper actually like it?" he says in amusement.

"I used to hate it but… I got used to it I can't sleep withoutit… it means she's atleast asleep." I slur.

"Yeah at least she's a sleep." He repeats.

"Mark, please look out for her…." I lose my train of thought now damn it "I'm worried 'bout her… make sure she eats and sleeps." I say desperately. "She's my life jacket." Did that really just come out of my mouth? The rooms feels as if it's spinning now and Mark's face becomes less clear by the second and the snoring slowly decreases in sound. I close my eyes and take in the darkness… I've never been this tired….


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok, so here is an update on this story, the end of this chapter is a bit of a lighter note. The story will have lighter parts but it will also have the dark ones as well so be prepared for them. Well I hope you enjoy this update please R&R and I will update quickly**. **Reviews will make me a very happy girl (:**

The sun shines obnoxiously bright through her window and Meredith can't help but let out a soft moan as her eyes finally start to open up to the light of day. Though Meredith had never been a morning person, she can't help but feel relieved that the morning is finally here. Her first night away from Derek had not been easy on her. The constant worry about him not only took its toll on her sleep but also all of her rational thought. Not to mention the fact that Cristina is literally MIA with Owen, Alex got shot, and Lexie… well Lexie might just be going insane. She rolls over and the familiar blonde curls cover the pillow next her to her, maybe the only good that's come out of this whole ordeal is Izzie coming home. A small smile creeps across her lips at the site of her friend, the fact that she's actually back in Seattle still comes as a shock to her. Izzie rolls over now and faces Meredith, who is of course on Derek's side of the bed wearing his boxers and her Dartmouth T-shirt with her hair in a messy pony tail.

"What time is it?" Izzie says lightly squinting from the sun now hitting her eyes as well.

"Seven thirty." Meredith replies excitedly, due to the fact that she'd be able to get back to the hospital soon.

"Well at least we got four hours of sleep." She replies dully.

"Just like old times." Meredith jokes, Izzie laughs in reply thinking of all the times she, George, and Meredith stayed up through most of the night doing God knows what.

"It's good to be back." She says rolling out of bed along with Meredith now.

/

The cloudy haze in my mind slowly starts to subside along with my sub-conscious state, the now familiar beeping noise from the monitor blares quietly in the background. The pressure and painful sensation in my chest finally start to make themselves present once again.

"Hey man." Mark says casually.

"Hey" I reply weakly, the constant weakness seems to be an unfortunate trend.

"You need more pain meds?" he says concerned.

"I'm ok." I lie, hoping he won't fight me on it even though both he and Meredith can clearly both tell when I'm lying. He just nods and I silently thank him for that. Somehow I somewhat deserve the pain in a twisted sort of way.

"What time is it?" I question.

"It's like eight o' clock, so I'm expecting Meredith to be back here within the next hour and half give or take." He says smirking now.

"She actually went home?" I say in shock to the fact that she actually listened to me for once.

"Yeah, but don't be too proud of yourself, she only left because you fell asleep at like five o' clock and you most likely weren't going to be awake for a while, not to mention that Stevens came and pretty much dragged her out by her hair." Mark says laughing lightly. A small smile creeps across my lips; she wouldn't be Meredith if she wasn't so stubborn.

"That's my girl." I reply chuckling lightly, a slicing pain rips through my chest and the regret of even laughing lightly quickly comes. Mark flashes me a sympathetic glance now.

"Sorry I didn't mean to-" he says apologetically.

"Mark it's fine." I say in response.

"Are you sure you don't need more pain meds? I mean yesterday with your first time walking and more coughing was hard on you." He says concernedly putting his hand on my arm now, I glance at the bruised and swollen surface now what the hell happened?

"What the hell happened to your hand?" I say eyeing the swollen and bruised surface.

"I uh….. Well I was upset when I found out that…. Derek, someone fucking shot my brother!" he says raising his voice in anger now.

"You punched the wall." I state smirking now.

"Yeah." He admits, the room gets quiet for a moment, Mark is my brother and Clarke had shot him…. I probably would have punched the wall too. "But my freak out when I first came in here was bad." He admits. "Your wife, is freakishly good in a crisis." He says lightly, I nod in agreement. Meredith seems to be able to hold everyone up and keep them together, the only problem is, she never worries about herself. She worries about how the people she loves seem to cope but she always puts her own needs second.

/

The Ferry Boat slowly and steadily begins to pull away from the dock as Meredith and Izzie stand on the railing. A warm summer wind sweeps through and lightly blows their hair back as they stare out into the Elliot Bay.

"Meredith, do you think Alex will ever forgive me?" Izzie says sadly eyeing her friend now. Meredith gazes out into the water and thinks for a second, pondering on what exactly to say.

"He's with Lexie right now yes but I think if you give him time he may come around." She says meeting Izzie's gaze now.

"Meredith, he told me to go away yesterday and stay out of his life." She says with tears welling in the corners of her eyes.

"Izzie, he's abandoned and hurt, you just need to give him time. I understand where he's coming from I mean you know how long it took Derek and I to work through all our crap." She says trying to cheer her friend up, her mind wanders to the time she and Derek took and she instantly feels stupid. How could she spend so much time breaking up with him? Especially when she almost lost him, what a complete waste of time.

"You Okay?" Izzie finally says touching her arm now, snapping her out of her trance.

"Oh yeah, I was just thinking about all of the time Derek and I wasted. I mean Izzie what if he would have died? We wasted all that time apart when we could have been together, it was a stupid waste of time." She says musing lightly. "So, I honestly hope that you and Alex don't make the same mistake Derek and I made." She says.

"Damn, when did you get so smart?" Izzie questions amazed at the words of wisdom that just came out of Meredith Grey's mouth, Meredith giggles lightly now.

"I grew up a lot while you were gone." She says still laughing "I guess marriage can do that dark and twisty person like me." She jokes quietly.

"I never thought you'd end up being the well put together, married one with all the answers and wisdom about life." Izzie says still in some shock.

"You and me both." Meredith replies lightly.

/

"Izzie! When the hell did you get back to Seattle?" calls an all too familiar voice from behind her, she turns around now to face her and she can't help but smile, even with the current circumstances at the hospital.

"I heard about… well I heard on the news and I flew back in to make sure everyone was ok." She says.

"Well… how's life?" Cristina questions a bit too perkily for her at least.

"Fine I guess… what about you?" she questions. "Well I mean other than the well other than four days ago." She says avoiding eye contact… stupid question Izzie nice going.

"I am officially engaged!" she says brightly Izzie stares at her in shock for moment now, did she just say _engaged?_ First Meredith turns into freakin' mother hen, Alex is now apparently dating Lexie and Cristina is… engaged.

"Congratulations!" she says brightly pulling her into a hug now, Cristina continues to put the fake smile on her face and act like the shooting hasn't fazed her but… little did anyone but Owen know she's spent the last three days locked up in her apartment afraid and pretty much in tears the whole time. "When's the wedding?" Izzie questions anxious to help.

"Sometime within the next two months… but I swear, there will be no white and no big thing or something." She says firmly, much to Izzie's dismay, Izzie huffs slightly and Cristina eyes her now. "I saved your life Barbie, now all you can do is help me plan a wedding but don't go all bridezilla on my ass like you did for Meredith and Derek's "Wedding" she says even including the air quotes around the term "wedding.". Izzie smiles at her friend now and slowly makes her way back to see Alex, the anxiety begins to build in her stomach now and the nerves start to make their way back… but she has to at least keep trying with Alex or she'll never get him back.

/

A familiar little voice seems to fill its way through the hallways now as I continue to lay here in boredom the light cursing can be heard even from my room and I can't help but laugh slightly despite everything that's happened. She storms her way into my room now, the anger is evident on her face and in her now lengthened stride.

"God how is he such a freakin idiot!" she babbles in anger, I stare at her questioningly now, who the hell is she pissed off at?

"Mer!" I say interrupting her rant "Who's an freakin idiot who you want to kill?" I question, trying not to smile at her. She makes her way over to the bed now and takes the chair next to me. She looks at me now and I eye her, she's wearing her Dartmouth tee-shirt, which makes me smile slightly. She has on army print shorts and her hair is a messy bun, she looks…disheveled like usual… like Meredith. Though everything seems to be out of control and… odd she ceases to change.

"Owen is just… Derek I swear if he hurts her I will kill him!" she exclaims clenching her tiny fists in rage, I grab her hand now and caress the back of her palm, trying to settle her down.

"Meredith why is Owen an idiot?" I question trying to get her to settle down and talk to me.

"He and Cristina are engaged!" she exclaims in anger.

"And that's a bad thing?" I question, since when is being engaged worth killing someone over?

"It's not that their engaged Derek it's just that… four days ago the guy couldn't even decide if he wanted Cristina or Teddy and now he's proposing to her." She says in complete annoyance, she brushes back the loose stands of hair now, indicating that she's obviously stressed out.

"Mer, you can't judge the guy for being a little confused when it comes to who he wants to be with and I mean the…. Four days ago was… all I'm saying is he got shot it can put some things into perspective." I say, the internal guilt gnawing at me now, maybe he wouldn't have been shot if I had just let his wife live.

"It's one thing for him to choose to be with her, but Derek she's not okay she's… she's pretty messed up from this whole thing and I really wish he would have given it more time before he just asked her to marry him because she's scared and confused and asking her now just seems pretty damn inconsiderate if you ask me." She says, her temper building again. "I swear Derek if he hurts her again…. She's not okay and the last thing she needs is for him to change his mind or to be rushed into a huge mistake." She says with tears welling in the corners of her eyes now.

"You have every right to be worried about Cristina but… how are _you."_ I say staring at her now.

"I'm fine." She says quickly adverting my gaze, she look back at me now and sighs knowing she caught her mistake, _I'm fine_ doesn't mean anything coming out of her mouth I know it and she knows it. "Derek, I promise I _am _ok, besides shouldn't I be asking _you_ that question?" she says tightening her grip on my hand. "How's your pain?" she questions anxiously, getting up to administer more morphine, 10.

"7" I lie, she eyes me for a moment studying my expression. The pain seers throughout my whole chest still, but I try desperately to hide it now as her stare digs into me.

"Don't lie to me Derek Christopher Shepard." She says somehow flirtatiously and seriously at the same time. "If you say a seven, it usually means about a nine or a ten, which is it?" she questions, I open my mouth to tell her eight now " I swear to god Derek don't even try to tell me eight, you and I both know it's a ten." She says before I even get the chance to speak.

"Please don't give me that much… I hate sleeping while you sit around here all day." I say pleading with her. Her eyes soften at me now.

"Derek, I don't care if your asleep while I'm here and honestly I know why you don't want the pain meds." She says quietly. "You don't deserve to be in pain Derek." She says in desperation, the lump and burning in my throat begin to intensify by the minute now.

"Mer, I just don't like to be foggy that's all but you know if _you're_ not fine you can tell me right?" I say hoping she'll open up to me. She sits down in the chair again now and grabs my hand again.

"I know Derek." She says smiling at me, the cloudiness slowly starts to return to my head and numb all the pain away, her figure starts to become distant and relief washes over me.

/

Izzie makes her way through Seattle Pres. Slowly. The long all-too sterile looking hallway seems to be endless. The small rooms all dimly lit and open to the public eye. Several nurses give her small smiles and she kindly returns them, on the surface she looks calm and collected but the sea of fear and anxiety continues to drown her from within, what if he _still_ doesn't want to see her? What the hell would she do then? She continues to walk and the sea just continues rise as rise, as if all the sudden glaciers melt and raise the sea level. She stops now, just outside the door, she loiters here for a moment, gaining the courage to enter into the room yet again, he was going home today surely he needs some help. She inhales deeply then finally pushes her way in; her large brown eyes meet his for a moment, at that precise second they both seem to be able to read one another.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he almost groans, while sitting up in bed.

"I told you I wasn't leaving." She says shakily, though she meant for it to come out firmly.

"Didn't I make it clear that I wanted you to leave?" he barks rudely, she shrugs it off though and makes her way in closer, observing the surroundings of the rest of the room now.

"Where's Lexie?" she questions, changing the subject.

"She went to get my discharge papers." He says sourly, trying desperately to avoid her gaze. He sits here and finally _really_ looks her over, her long blonde curls seem to have returned to their former pre-cancer and hair cut glory, she gained ten pounds but she very well needed to gain it with the weight she lost during treatment, she looked _good._ He internally kicks himself now, why did he have to look at her? This whole time he's made a point to avoid it because deep down he knew that one good look at her and he wouldn't ever want her to leave. He swallows deeply and when she meets his gaze he quickly shoots his in the other direction as if to deny that he was even looking at her.

"I'm here Alex, and I plan to be here until you're at least better if not longer." She says firmly.

"Why Izzie, why can't you just get the hell back out of my life?" he says the anger rising up from his stomach now, causing the aching in his chest to intensify, he winces lightly now and she moves in closer.

"You were here for me, when I was sick." She says in a lighter, gentler voice now. "Alex, do I want us to be able to try again, yes but right now I'm not asking for you to take me back and immediately go back to the way things were all I'm asking is that for now is that you forgive me and at least be my friend." She says grabbing his hand now, he stares into her all-too familiar eyes now, they take him aback and all he can do is simply nod at her. She smiles her big Izzie happy smile and he feels his heart flutter a little she's always had this funny way of affecting him like no other woman ever could.

/

My eyes slowly start to re-open to the sunlight room and the overwhelming smell of lavender fills through my nostrils. My eyes slowly adjust and I finally see her in the corner of the room viciously drying her hair with a small purple towel. A blue towel tightly raps around her tiny body and I can't help but stare. She finally looks over at me now and smiles at my awake figure.

"You showered." I say slightly amused.

"The nurses come every two hours to monitor you and they left twenty minutes ago so I had time and I needed one." she says slightly giggling. For the first time in five days a small sense of mischievous fun come over me.

"Doctor Grey, you know it's a little inappropriate so be naked in a patients room." I say eyeing her with desire. She grins at me now.

"Oh, but Chief Shepard, you get the VIP package, don't you know, the hottest doctor in the hospital gets naked in your room with that package?" she says with a sexy tone of innocence in her voice.

"But, Doctor Grey What about your husband, surely he wouldn't want to share such a sexy woman with other men." I say, the arousal intensifying now. She slips on a pair of black lacy panties and a matching bra and makes her way over to the bed now.

"I'm sure he wouldn't be complaining right now doctor Shepard." She says slowly climbing onto the bed now, she crawls up further now, careful to avoid my chest, she puts her hands on my shoulders and hovers over me, I wrap my hands around her back and slowly make my way down to her butt, the firm and perfectly soft surface welcomes my hands now. she leans in and kisses me and my tongue slowly makes its way into her mouth, my arousal hits its peak now and I can feel her grin slightly as we kiss, the whole world seems to melt away now the passion begins to intensify. A distant noise chimes in the background now

"Chief Shepard?" a familiar tone says now "OH MY GOD!" she exclaims. Instantly both mine and Meredith's gazes advert to the noise. She stands there now with her mouth hung open. We both look at her and it slowly closes. Her cheeks instantly redden and we freeze for a moment. April Kepner does as well. Quickly, Meredith gets off now and slides into a tee-shirt and jeans. As Meredith's gets off the cold seems to hit me and Aprils eyes widen now as her gaze adverts downward, I stare down and finally realize the blanket wasn't covering me…. At all! Quickly I grab the blanket and pull it over my erection

"Oh my Chief She-… I um yeah sorry, I'm sorry." She stutters nervously continuing the blush she quickly rushes out of the room and embarrassment quickly overtakes me. I look over to Meredith now and too my surprise she's back by the side of the bed. It's silent for a moment until a beautiful noise comes from her mouth, she _laughs_ and hard. The hysterical laughter continues to erupt from her and I finally feel myself start to laugh as well despite the stabbing pain in my chest I continue. We both laugh uncontrollably, for the first time in five days we finally _really laugh._ Slowly the laughing subsides to small giggles and she climbs into the bed now, grabbing one of my hands and leaning lightly on my shoulder.

"You know this is the first time I've really laughed in five days." she says blissfully.

"Me too." I admit quietly. "You know it's like… unbelievable like the whole worlds just stopped." I say lightly.

"I know what you mean, but Derek, the world is still living." She says quietly stroking the back of my hand.

"I don't know how to keep living like nothing happened." I admit painfully now.

"Derek, you don't have to live like this never happened because it did but Derek you just have to _live_" she emphasizes "And if your dark and twisty, then we'll be dark and twisty together." She says as she cuddles in closer to me. We lay here now in complete and peaceful bliss and the realization thanks to her finally comes over, when it comes to life, all I can do is focus on the good moments and hope they can out-do the bad ones.


	4. Chapter 4

**Ok so, here is an update please Review! I really love opinions and I worked hard on this chapter, this is probably one of the longest things I've written considering I'm still pretty new to writing. Hope you enjoy.**

_The warm breezy April morning would have been a perfect and enjoyed one, had it not been the morning of my father's funeral, the bow-tie around my neck feels obnoxious as I desperately try to loosen its choking hold. Everyone stands around the small plot in the ground as the 8-by-5 casket hovers above ground. The world seems…odd like I've been living in a dream, the past 3 days have been a blur of tears, comforting, people bringing over random food as if my mother can't cook for us herself. My mother stands opposite of me on the grassy semitary ground she looks stoic though I can hear her cry herself to sleep at night when Amy finally stops and goes to bed herself. The priest goes on and on about with the generic stuff about how great a man my father was and how it's "God's Plan" for his soul to rest in heaven, God's plan my ass, if god exists then why the hell would he take the father of 5 kids and a wife, a man who always lived by the rules and never did a thing wrong, a war veteran? The anger and confusion continue to boil through me not only at the world but at myself, I could have done something but instead I hid like a coward. The ridiculously loud boom of the gun instantly brings me out of my trance and makes my heart rate increase. The shooting continues and I feel myself break out in a sweat._

"_Give me the watch man." I hear the hideous voice sneer in the back of my head, images of him falling to ground continue to flood through my brain, desperately I try to block them out but every time the veteran's shoot the riffles for my father the memories just seem to intensify, Amelia lets out a frightened cry each time, and I clench my fist until I hurts, trying not to do the same or run. Please let it stop, the back of my mind silently pleads for the shooting to come to a stop. I inhale deeply as yet another shot is fired off and to my relief the shots finally secede. _

My eyes slowly begin to flutter open and the memory from that day slowly starts to melt away from my brain as I lay here, the sun gradually creeps in from the window a light orange color, indicating that it's early in the morning.

"Good, your awake." Her familiar voice floods my ear drums and confusion hits me, what the hell is she doing here?

"Ma?" I say weakly, barely recognizing my own voice. "How did you, I mean what are you doing here?" I question.

"Well considering my own son didn't even call to inform me that he was _shot_, I figured me, your mother should at least come out and make sure you're ok." She says angrily now.

"Mom, I just, you were on your cruise viewing the Arctic Circle and I didn't want to bother you." I say trying to calm her down now.

"You stupid stubborn man!" another voice chimes in "Do you really think your mother would have cared about the damn cruise knowing her son was just _shot_" Jenna's voice cuts in, looking up from my chart now which she had obviously been reading over thoroughly considering her status as a cardiologist.

"Honestly Derek why didn't you call me?" she says, tears pricking the corners of her eyes now.

"I was going to in a couple of days when you were back for good I swear." I say making up an excuse, why would I inform my mother that I got myself and everyone else in the hospital shot?

"Derek, that's a bunch of Bull Shit!" Jenna cuts in mom gives her a dirty glare now and she looks at her apologetically "Sorry about my language but _I_ wasn't on a cruise at the time so there's no excuse for you not calling Kathleen, Amelia, Nancy, and I" she says.

"I wanted to wait." I say deflecting them now. "Who called you guys?" I question though I know it was Mark.

"Meredith." My mother says staring me down, _Meredith?_ She called my family…

"Wait _Meredith_ called you?" I say in shock, hoping to clarify this.

"Yes, at least she had the common decency to think your family deserved to know that you were shot." She says in her disappointed tone. The fact that Meredith had called them shocks my system; she doesn't call families… what the hell?

"Speaking of Meredith Kathleen, Amelia, and I haven't even gotten to meet her yet!" Jenna exclaims at me now. "I mean you don't even invite us to your wedding and now you don't even tell us when you go _shot_ or let us meet Meredith." She says in her annoying nagging sister tone. I moan now and she flashes me dirty glare along with mom. "Don't you dare moan at me Derek Christopher Shepard!" she says loudly.

"This is why I didn't call you…" I say half- joking now, she drops her jaw and gapes at me in fake disbelief,

"You take that back!" she says. I grin at her lightly; maybe having them here isn't _all_ bad.

"So, is the whole gang here or what?" I question nervously for Meredith's sake, she may have called them but I honestly don't think that in the state she's in she'll be able to handle the entire Shepard gang here in Seattle at my sick bed.

"It's just Nancy, Jenna and I" my mother says "Kathleen couldn't make it because of the baby and Amelia…" she trails off now because of the topic.

"Oh ok." I say relieved at the fact that Amelia's not here for me to have to deal with hand-in-hand with the already severe chest pain and for Meredith to have to deal with everyone. "By the way where is Nancy?" I question nervously now.

"She's back at the house." Jenna explains. "She seemed really tired and we sent her to settle us in we were going to stay at a hotel but Meredith insisted there was room." She beams, panic rises now, _did she say Nancy is at the house alone with Meredith?_ I let out a light moan and they both give me concerned glances.

"Does the incision hurt? Or is it the chest rib fractures?" Jenna says in slight panic/ doctor mode now.

"What's your pain level?" my mom says panicky going into her natural nurse mode.

"No, no, it's the pain!" I say trying to calm them down they let out a sigh of relief. "It's just last time Nancy was in Seattle she was nasty to Meredith and I really don't want her to-" my voice breaks now as the stress seams to build at the thought of what she could be possibly saying to Meredith at this very moment. My mother leans in and lightly grabs my arm now.

"Shh, Derek it's fine." She sooths "I promise you Nancy is on her best behavior she'd never say anything rude to Meredith especially after you've just been shot." She says calming my anxiety.

"And Derek she sounded exhausted when I talked to her on the phone so Mark had your house key and let us in the house anyway, I didn't even see her down stairs so she'll probably be a sleep the whole time anyway." She explains.

"I'm glad she's getting sleep." I say in relief, hopefully she'll stay sleeping for a while at least…

/

Meredith stirs lightly under the light sheets as the summer breeze rolls in through her window, when her eyes finally adjust to the room she exhales deeply, and stretches out her body, which feels like she's been a sleep forever. The 12:00p.m. Read letters on her alarm clock take her aback, had she really been a sleep for 14 hours? She sits up now, and lightly tosses the covers off her, exposing herself to the airy bedroom. Her feat hit the cold wood flooring and lightly pad across the room and down the stairs into her living room, the light conversation and the smell of food can seem to be wafting out of the kitchen, drawing her in, she peeks in and spots Izzie and the familiar tall, dark-haired, beautiful woman that she recognizes as Derek's sister Nancy.

"Hey sleepy head." Izzie says giving her a huge Izzie-like optimistic smile.

"Hey, I-uh sorry… for being a sleep for so long I mean." She says apologetically directed towards Nancy.

"Grey, you've barely slept in the past 6 days; you seriously needed to catch up." Marks says coming up behind her now. Nancy glances up at her and flashes her and awkward smile, Meredith returns it.

"Nice to see you again Meredith!" she says with fake excited enthusiasm, Mark eyes her like a vulture now, she knows she can't say anything rude, which is why she asked Mark to be there to check her in the first place.

"Nice to see you too." Meredith says offering her a small smile.

"I made Macaroni and Cheese, I know it's not much but it's something to get into your stomach." Izzie says directing her eyes toward the pot on the stove.

"No Iz, I'm starving thank you." Meredith says truly appreciative considering she would not have been able to make it for herself anyway, Derek does most of the cooking in her house.

"I love Mac and Cheese!" Mark exclaims, taking the large portion left in the pot. She and Mark take their seats and the breakfast nook with Nancy and Izzie now.

"So… you and Derek were married on a note card?" Nancy questions, trying not to sound too judgey, Mark widens his glare as if to say _drop it Nancy the girl doesn't want to be interrogated._

"A post-it actually." Meredith Clarifies "Actually Derek and I were about to just run to city hall but there were all these emergent cases, so Derek wrote down our vows on a post-it and we both signed it." She explains, hoping that at least with the full story Nancy would not look down on the wedding.

"Oh… well I didn't really know anything considering Derek never really tells us anything anymore." She says with a slight tone of resentment in her voice. "But thank you, Meredith for at least calling us." She says truly appreciative of her now. Meredith just nods at this.

"He didn't want to but… I felt like I had too, I mean you're his family and I know he wants you guys here." She says remembering the day he told that if it were him in a coma he'd want his entire family here. "Besides you all have the right to know." Meredith adds. Nancy nods at her and silence stretches across the room now.

"Ok so, I figured we could all get dressed and ready and give Carolyn and Jenna a break while we all run up to the hospital." Mark finally says breaking the banner.

"Sounds good to me." Nancy says. "I'm ready when you guys are." She adds.

"Well, I still have to shower, so how about you and Mark go up together and Izzie and I will drive up there and meet you guys up there." Meredith says not wanting to burden them. Nancy smiles and nods but Mark cuts in.

"Grey, we can wait for you to shower its stupid taking two cars to the same place." Mark says much to Nancy's dismay. Meredith grumbles a little at this, searching for an excuse to avoid Nancy, as much as she loves Derek, and as much as Nancy's being cordial this time, she can't help but feel awkward and judged around her, especially considering their encounter last time she visited Seattle.

"Well, I was going to help Alex actually he's being discharged today and I at least wanted to help him out the room, considering I haven't even been in to see him yet." Meredith deflects, hoping the excuse would work.

"Oh ok then." Mark says "Nancy and I will go and then you and Stevens can go up to Seattle Pres. And help out Alex for a little bit." Mark says getting up with Nancy; slight relief finally washes over Meredith as they walk out the door. The light clicking noise of the door coming from the living room indicates that Mark and Nancy are gone now; Izzie eyes Meredith for a moment.

"Ok so… you're going to come help with Alex, he's not coming home until later tonight." Izzie says catching her lie.

"I know but I figured I could give Derek the day with his family then just stay with him tonight." She says explaining herself.

"You are his family Meredith." Izzie says to her defensively, "Don't forget that." She reminds lightly not wanting to push her too hard.

"You know what I mean Izzie, he hasn't seen them in a while." She explains turning around to head up stairs to shower "Besides… I have to check on Lexie and I haven't even been in to see Alex yet." She calls over her shoulder now as she exits through the living room. As she steps into the bathroom, the warm breeze from the window lightly makes its way in, giving the room a warm and breezy feel, she turns the faucet on the shower to the left now, and tests the water with her hand, the perfect temperature of the water allows her to step in and just the feel of the water running down her back makes it worth her while. She finally relaxes for a moment, the constant buzzing in her head stops and for once she thinks rational thought rather than the one million things that seem to harping in her mind. As the conditioner sits in her hair now she can't help but think

"_Did I make the right decision to call Derek's family here?"_ it harps in her mind now, she knows the reason he didn't call them in the first place and she can only hope that by calling them she did him a favor rather than a causing him more burden. His words groggy, desperate words still seem to be imprinted in the back of her mind.

"_All those people Meredith, __**I**__got them killed, Mr. Clarke was coming here for me, I gave the order to pull the plug on his wife, I got everybody shot."_ She hears all too clearly in her head, she knows very well that Derek blames himself for the events of that day, he just won't tell her unless he's been giving heavy doses of pain killers like he had been when he said, she knows that he doesn't want to hurt her or cause her any added stress. The words still cause her to shudder and flinch like she had when they first exited his mouth. She pushes them to the back of her head now and turns the faucet to the right, causing the water to cease and leave her standing there, water dripping in tiny ringlets off her body, she pulls one of the blue puffy towels out of the cabinet and quickly dries herself off, after drying her body she strategically wraps it around her hair and shrugs into the blood red bathrobe hanging on the door.

After quickly shrugging into an old blue cotton tee-shirt and a short pair of grey cotton shorts, she half-heartedly blasts her blonde locks with the hair dryer and puts the still damp waves into a pony tail, a little bit more than half way up her head, she studies herself in the mirror for a moment and contemplates, she looks tired almost beaten down, maybe she's lost just a few pounds, not really noticeable unless you're _really_ looking at her due to her already tiny frame, her hair looks like she's in need of a cut desperately like she has been for the past two weeks thought the split ends have increased now, her face looks tired slightly worn down but it sometimes looks that way simply because of her line of work in the first place though she had to consider…

_Make up, or no makeup?_

She considers the question for a moment, but decides to at least put on the smallest bit of eye liner and some mascara, she quickly slaps it on, she jogs down the stairs, grabbing her sunglasses off the end table on the way and takes her small white hand-bag as well

"Alright Iz, let's go!" she calls to the kitchen, Izzie quickly makes her way out and jumps into the passenger's seat of the all-too- familiar jeep she'd grown accustomed to driving in during her intern years. Meredith glances over at her and Izzie can't help but let the giggles she's been holding in rise. Meredith eyes her now confused at the laugher as they cruise slowly down the street.

"So Mcbitch has made her return to Seattle." She says in her fake, intense narration voice, Meredith finally laughs too.

"I honestly thought she was going to kill me when I was explaining the post-it thing." Meredith says in laughter.

"Me too!" Izzie exclaims "I was about ready to use my trailer park ass-kicking skills." She says laughing.

"Remember when she first came here and when I went to see Derek I thought she was some one night stand?" she says remembering back to her intern days as well.

"Priceless." Izzie says, still slightly chuckling.

"Has Cristina been to Seattle Pres.?" Meredith question anxiously about her friend.

"No, she told me she was marrying the pig murderer but that's the only time I've seen her." She says wishing she had another answer.

"Damn, I'm just worried about her…"Meredith says trailing off in thought.

"She's Cristina I mean she'll be fine." Izzie says trying to ease the tension, though truly believing that Cristina was simply in her apartment nailing Pig killer all day.

"Yeah I'm just with Derek, Alex, Lexie and Cristina… I honestly don't even know anymore." She says lightly shaking her head, Izzie eyes her now.

"Seattle Grace…. There's cancer, doctors who get hit by busses, bombs, drowning's, and now people getting shot by a crazed gunman." She says laughing in hysterics, a small smile finally plays Meredith's lips and she can't help but start to giggle as well, her giggles eventually morph into a full out laugh and she finally starts to feel some of her stress go away.

"Your post it husband and my ex got shot, by a crazy guy! I mean what else could possibly happen to us!" she sputters in almost disbelief now.

/

The slight breeze rolls in through the window blows Jenna's hair in the breeze as we sit on the puffy all-too-familiar blue couch. She and mom blab away, but with the throbbing of my chest and the anxious aching of my muscles and back, I don't even pay attention to a word they say, though it must be pretty funny considering all their laughs. The sheer normality of the day seems to blow my mind _how is this day normal?_ I got 12 people killed yet; the world still seems to move about naturally like nothing ever happened. _My_ world seems to be shattered beyond repair.

_Pain, anxiety, exhaustion, blame, depression, _these feelings are all I seem to be able to feel at all lately, that is when I'm not too high on morphine to even function.

_The sweat pricks at my forehead and the pain seems to radiate out my chest like someone is just taking a bat and striking me, over and over it keeps on, constant never ending, the angle of my body only intensifies it and I beg to be able to lay back down, flat, where the pain tends to be not nearly as pathologic. I let out an agonizing moan as the older nurse with grey curls and blue eyes just keeps saying the words…_

"_Swings your legs over, you can do it Doctor Shepherd." Over and over, the anger seems to rise the more times the words of encouragement come out of her mouth, bitch how about you try standing up after you're chest has been split apart then you tell me I can do it!_

"_ you really should be standing up most post-op patient can on day 3." She says almost annoyed now, something seems to snap now internally and the rage is no longer containable._

"_Shut up! Just shut up and get the fuck out of my room!" I hear myself scream in anger, horror floods through me, did I really just say this? she gasps loudly and before I open my mouth to speak she runs away, hot tears sit in my eyes now but I don't will them to come out, guilt seems to build up for snapping at the poor woman who was just trying to do her job, why the hell would I go do this? She comes up next to me now, and I stare at her, she looks… hard to read, fear at her reaction and horror that she saw my outburst seems to prick at me. Meredith saw this…_

"_Derek" she says lightly "it's ok." She sooths as she strokes my hair, the hot anger that was in my system slowly starts to recede as she sooths. "Listen to me though, you do need to stand just for a little bit, ok?" she says as if I never even flipped out on the nurse in the first place, I feel myself nod at her. She starts to slowly help me swing my legs over and the pain only intensifies I let out a moan but she just keeps helping "Almost there Derek just a little more for me." She says calmly, the searing continues but I focus on her and continue to push through it, I finally feel my legs hanging off the side of the bed now and relief washes through me, almost there. She smiles her beautiful smile at me and pecks me lightly on the lips, I continue to try and catch my breath and she waits patiently with perfect understanding, she doesn't even say a word now… just waits like she knows what I need, hell, she does know what I need._

"_Ok, I can do it now." I say breathlessly still, she nods at me grabs my arms with her tiny little ones barely fitting around the circumference of my arm as she does so, I urge my legs to do the simple action but it seems so __**hard**_**, **_why the hell is standing so god damn hard? She pulls upward on me with all her might now and I slowly feel my leg muscles begin to work once again. The wobbly unsteadiness of my legs alarms me, I feel myself tipping backwards but she takes my hands and grips them around her minute waist and I finally feel myself steady out._

"_I told you, you could do it." She says grinning now, her grin brings a fluttering to my heart, it was the grin that told me she was thrilled, her dimples become noticeable and I can't help but just stare at her for a moment. _

"_I-I'm sorry." I say lightly "Tell the nurse that-" my voice breaks before I can finish the rest of the sentence._

"_It's ok Derek, you're in pain, she already made you cough and extra time today and you got much less sleep today than yesterday." She says comforting __**me**_**. **_She always seems to blow my mind, the fact that she comforts me the one who completely freaked out on the poor woman and manages to still make me feel better floors me._

"_I still feel like kind of a monster." I say brooding. The energy seems to be draining out of my like rapid fire, it shockingly sooths the aching in my back and throbbing from sitting up in my chest._

"_She started to rush it quite honestly Derek, I was about to yell at her too." She admits grinning sheepishly. I feel myself smiling back at her now and she leans into me, kissing me lightly now, her soft supple lips lightly pressing up to mine._

"Derek, Derek!" her annoyed voice says shaking my shoulder now.

"Huh?" I moan in shock, slipping out from my daydream.

"It's rude not to say hello to your sister!" Nancy exclaims putting a fake smile onto her face.

"Yeah Derek stop daydreaming, I know your high but at least say hi when we come in here." Mark cuts in taking the seat near the couch that Nancy and I are now sitting at.

"Where's mom and Jenna?" I question confused. Nancy laughs lightly now.

"They went back to the house to sleep, they told me you said you were good on the couch when they asked and you said bye." Nancy informs me.

"Oh" I reply dumb-struck "I don't remember." I say trying to recall the memory but having no luck. "Wait, where's Meredith?" I question "She was with you guys at the house, right?" I say concerned, "Oh geez, Nancy please tell me you didn't say something mean!" I say the panic rising now at the thought.

"Derek I swear I would _never_!" she says in a hurt tone now.

"Dude chill, Meredith went to go visit Karev for a while." Marks cuts in, thank god.

"Yeah Derek I mean come on do you really think I would say something offensive to the poor girl now?" she questions , her voice raising an octave as she brushes her now shoulder length dark brown hair back.

"Ok, I'm sorry Nance I'm just worried about her as it is." I say apologetically, she seems fine but… with Meredith you never know.

"Why does it seem like she's hiding something?" Nancy prods.

"Meredith's always hiding something." I reply "She's a scrapper and she's strong, she never actually tells you if there's something wrong." I explain to her, she nods at me.

"Has she… cried or anything yet?" Nancy says.

"Meredith's not a crier!" Mark exclaims now "Trust me when I tell you, if she did none of us would ever know about it." Mark says.

"That's what worries me… she bottles it all up and hopes that it'll go away until it finally gets to her." I say to no one in particular.

"If it makes you feel any better Derek she seemed… ok, tired but ok this morning at the house, and she was wearing boxers." Nancy says smiling at me. "The ones you always used to wear around the house with the stupid shamrocks on them!" she exclaims laughing at the memory.

"Hey, those are my good comfortable boxers!" I exclaim.

"I can't believe you still have them!" she says louder now.

"Remember when you and Addie tried to burn them that one year?" Mark says to her. She laughs louder now and the memory of them over the fireplace at our Brown stone on Christmas trying to lower them down into the fire without me noticing becomes all-too-clear. "Classic." Mark replies. "Oh, speaking of your wife she called me twice." Mark says pulling out his phone.

"I'll call her back." I reply immediately reaching for the phone now. Mark just hands it over, not wanting to argue with me, I hit the redial button and the ringing noise echoes through my eardrums.

"Hello?" her angelic voice replies through the phone line I feel relieved at the sound.

"Hey it's me." I reply

"Oh Hi I was actually going to call Mark and have him ask you what you wanted me to bring you for dinner if you were awake." She explains "I didn't know if you wanted Italian or just subs, or like burger and fries from Joe's, I mean even Chinese Food whatever you want!" she babbles endlessly, I chuckle lightly at the cute sound.

"You hate Chinese food." I say still chuckling at her despite the pain it's causing me.

"Yeah but you don't." she counters.

"How about that little Italian we love." I suggest knowing she'll love that.

"Next to the sandwich place Cristina and I think is nasty, right?" she questions hoping to clarify.

"Yeah." I say remembering the two of them complaining about some number of months ago.

"Do Mark, your mother, Jenna and Nancy want anything?" she questions, I hope they leave for just a few hours, I've been dying for alone time with Meredith.

"No their leaving us to dinner alone for a few hours." I say eyeing them now, Nancy shoots me a dirty glare and Mark mouths the words _what the hell man._

"Oh… ok then." She states, "I'll be here as quickly as I can then." She says.

"I love you." I say lightly into phone

"I love you too." She replies, though we say often now, hearing those words come out of her mouth still lights up my day. With that she hangs up and I turn to face Nancy and Mark who are both giving me a death glare.

"Dude, I'm starving!" Mark says.

"Yeah, I mean we hang here with you all day and all you can do is zone out on us due to the pain, but as soon as you talk to Meredith you don't seem to be drowsy, and by the way quit hogging her, Jenna wants to meet her as well!" she exclaims.

"Ok, I'm sorry I just want a little bit of alone time with her, but I promise you can come back in an hour or two." I plead with them.

"Fine, we'll just go back to the house and eat with Mom and Jenna." She says agreeing. "But we're all coming back after you guys eat whether you like it or not." She warns me, _great_. Slowly and painfully I stand up, they both look at me questioningly

"Where are you going?" she questions me, _to the fucking bathroom! _ I want to yell.

"Bathroom." I say refraining myself, as I continue to slowly walk over there, they stare at me now, like I'm about to fall over or something and my blood starts to boil, I've never in my life needed to be looked after to just to walk 10 feet to the fucking bathroom, the cold iron of the door knob touches my hand, and I turn to the left, the clicking sound of it closing behind me puts me at ease, the small dark space seems oddly safe and comforting, like no one can find me in here, like _he_ wouldn't have been able to find me in here. The scent of lavender filling the room also seems to only make it more appealing, Meredith has obviously showered in here quite a few times, peaking into the shower, the small purple colored bottle in the corner only confirms my theory, the small duffle bag sitting on the chair also confirms her all too often presence here, I bend down to peek inside but the sharp, shooting, intense pains radiating in my chest halt me as I let out a loud moan, I straighten myself back out and lean against the sink for support now, hoping for them to secede soon, a light knock on the door catches my attention.

"Derek are you ok in there?" her voice chimes from the other side of the door.

"Do you need us to go me to go in and help?" Mark adds in obviously standing right near Nancy now, great now I have babysitters.

"No." I say breathlessly

"You sound like you're in a lot pain man what happened?" Mark says.

"Mark, I'm fine I don't need help to fucking pee!" I say angrily now hoping they'll just leave me the hell alone, silence stretches now, I think they went back to sit down. I finally manage to catch my breath now and the radiating pain manages to only stay in my sternum. I turn to the white toilet and relieve my bladder, slowly I make my way back over to the sink and turn the cold mettle of the faucets, I pump the soap on to my hands and wash them off, I finally look up and jump back my stomach churns at the sight in the mirror, _ I look like hell._ Dark hair a mess, greyish colored skin giving me a ghoulish appearance, a dark thick beard is starting to form on my face as well, not to mention the dark circles under my eyes; my overall appearance makes me even jump back in horror, I run my hand over the sandy rough hair on my face and shutter involuntarily¸ _this is actually me, me Derek Christopher Shepherd, the man who always looks put together literally looks like something out of a horror movie._ The urge to just comb my hair cripples me, but the resentment of not being able to lift my arms to do so or even shave for builds as well, I finally manage to look away from myself and walk out the door again, Mark and Nancy both eye me as I exit, like they've been staring at the door the whole time.

"Meredith just texted me, she's on her way up." Mark says, I nod at him and the excitement and relief fills my system.

"Ok, you guys can go if you want." I say turning away from them now.

"Are you sure?" Nancy says anxiously.

"Yeah, she'll be up in a couple of minutes." I reply hoping they'll just leave; they both nod at me and make their way out the door. I slowly make my way back down onto to bed I swing my legs over the side and my chest screams in opposition I flinch but I continue to move them until their over, I prop myself up to a sitting position now, the fact that Meredith is coming makes me feel… like I'm normal ever since after _that day_ I feel… alien like I'm some kind of angry exhibit but with Meredith I feel as though I'm the same and that feeling is about the only thing that keeps me going right now, light brush of air that whooshes as she enters the room brings me out of my day dreamy haze. The cotton blue tee-shirt, grey shorts and black flip flops with her shades on her forehead makes her look like a teenager, adorable none the less. Her hair is in a loose bun low down on her head with half her blonde locks hanging out of it, her bangs sweep across her forehead, parted to the left like usual, she carries two large bags and the smell of the chicken parm makes my mouth feel like it's about to start watering. I let out a smile at the sight of her and she returns it.

"Hey." I say sitting up a bit taller now.

"Hi." She replies as she puts the bags on the small slide out dinner table hovering over the bed and kisses me lightly on the cheek.

"I missed you today." I say, miss is an understatement more like _I need you today,_ though I can't bring myself to constantly need her, considering she'd constantly be here and not worry about her.

"I missed you too." She replies as she sits down I the chair near the bed, I eye her for a moment with desire; we'd definitely be having sex right now if I was at home and things were normal.

"Sit up here." I say scooting over my legs slightly, giving her room to sit on the other side of the small table on the bed. She stands up now and lifts her tiny body up onto the bed.

"I brought… chicken parm." She says as she pulls out the large black dinner container from the brown paper bag, she pulls out the two bottles of coke and the napkins and sets the bag on the ground. She hands me a set of plastic fork, knife and spoon and I unwrap it, still looking at her. "I figured we could just share this since there's a lot here." She explains handing me one of the coke bottles.

"That's fine." I say nodding at her "How's Karev doing?" I question.

"He's… Alex." She says stabbing her fork into the spaghetti now.

"So… he's pretty much being an ass then?" I say chuckling lightly.

"To both Izzie and Lexie… yeah." She says "Though he convinced Izzie to bring his Xbox from home and we ended up playing some game with guns and he killed me a bunch of times with a bazooka." She explains eating her spaghetti now.

"Well that sounds… fun?" I say with a bit of question to my voice.

"No it wasn't because he kept beating me." She says pouting slightly.

"Someone's a sore loser." I say joking with her as I take a bite of the meal, she gasps at me know and crinkles her noise at me the way I love.

"You know when your wife is nice enough to bring you dinner, you really shouldn't offend her." She says with noise turned upward in fake offense. "Maybe I just won't come anymore." She adds, panic instantly hits me…_ not come._ I feel my Adams apple bob now and my muscles go stiff. "Derek… I was kidding you know that right?" she says her voice now slightly raised and on edge. Relief falls over me, _of course she was kidding you idiot._

"Yeah of course." I say smiling at her now, trying to blow it off.

"But seriously Derek, I'm always going to be here." She says, her aqua eyes burrowing into mine now "Even if your family isn't my biggest fan." She says adverting them.

"What, did Nancy say something to you at house?" I question, the panic and fear rising within now.

"No… but that's the reason they didn't stay for dinner right?" she question with a hint of sadness in her voice now, it breaks my heart.

"No no no! Meredith I swear, _I_ told them to leave and that I wanted alone time with you." I explain, hoping she'll believe me.

"So… they don't all hate me then?" she questions.

"No," I say reassuring her "mom thinks your great for me, Nancy is just… Nancy, and Jenna doesn't really know you but she's mad at me for never introducing you to her." I explain to her, a small smile forms with her perfect pink lips now, she glances over and takes a long sip of her coke now and grabs the empty meal tray, tossing all the extra garbage into it and putting it back into the empty brown paper bag.

"I think we should go for a walk… maybe sit outside or something." She suggests.

"I'd love to… but Mer, I look like a hobo." I say as she moves the table away to the side. She eyes me now and leans in, cupping my face in her hands.

"Derek, you look like you just got shot." She clarifies, kissing me lightly.

"Besides…I kind of like the beard." She says smiling at me, I finally return it and agree to go on the walk. Once again I swing my legs over the bed and stand. She joins me and begins to walk next to me. "Also, it's not like there's too many people here anyway." She says grabbing my hand, we exit the small room and the deserted state of the hospital takes me aback, I've never once seen this place so empty, besides the few doctors and nurses here and the occasional cop, it's like ghost town.

"How's your chest?" she questions. _On fire._

"Better" I reply with a white lie, she eyes me for a moment as if she knows I'm lying to her but doesn't comment on it.

"How's Cristina?" I question changing the subject as we turn down the long hall way.

"She's… you know she still doesn't really leave her apartment, ever since the night of that day she's been avoiding this place like the plague… and with the wedding I'm just really worried about her she's not okay and Lexie… don't even get me started on Lexie I mean she's just… you know I don't think she's sleeping and every time I try to ask her she avoids it yells at me! I just think that…" I cut her off.

"Meredith, I know your worried about everyone else but how are _you_." I say hoping to get something out of her now.

"Derek, I'm okay… I'm just worried about everyone else." She says, I know she's not okay…

"That's what concerns me Meredith… you're always worried about how everyone else is doing, that you never stop to look after yourself." I say pleading with her to at least talk about it.

"I promise you… I'm doing alright, how are _you._" She says using my own tactic against me now; I exhale deeply as we continue to walk towards the door now.

"Can we go sit outside?" I ask glancing out to the nice evening. She nods at me and we make our way out the door. The nice summer evening meets me as I exit the door and I start to feel less cooped up and more free as I take in the smell of the outdoors and feel the nice warm breeze through the thin cotton of my pajama pants and shirt. The tired beat down feeling continues to creep up on me and the small bench in the court yard seems more and more appealing as I look at it.

"We walked pretty far, three times as far as you've been walking the past few days… let's go sit down." She says as if she read my mind, we take the seat on the bench now.

"I'm glad we came out here… it smells fresh." I say inhaling it. "All I've been smelling for the past six days is hospital" I say.

"I felt your pain." She says remembering after her liver surgery.

"But being honest with you Meredith I don't know if I'm ok." I say swallowing hard, she squeezes my hand now, "I-I just feel like nothing's normal… like _I'm _not normal." I admit to her, she leans her head on my shoulder now. "When I yelled at that nurse…. I just, I get angry and scared and paranoid I just feel like I'll never are the same and I hate it." I tell her.

"Derek, someone just shot you, only not even six days ago a man picked up a freaking gun and shot you." She says, I can hear her voice shaking now as she quickly wipes her eyes. "it's ok to not feel not normal, you may _never _feel exactly the same but that's ok… whether it's six weeks, six months, six years or even never it's ok to feel not like this and I'll always be there even when your angry and yelling." She says "I apologized to that nurse… she gets it Derek, she was a little on edge herself." She says.

"You make me feel more normal." I admit to her now, she smiles at me.

"Good because you're stuck with me." she says cuddling into my neck. "And Derek you can tell me anything, I promise I'll be here." She says lightly.

"I know, but Mer… you don't have to be fine, you can confide in me too, I promise I won't tell anyone, you don't always have to be strong and put together." I say almost pleading with her.

"I know." She says as she finally cries lightly. "How bad is it today… scale of 1-10." She says bringing back our old method.

"9." I say honestly to her.

"7" she replies to my surprise, "We can be stuck in the dark together." She says as I kiss her head now.

"I yelled at Mark and Nancy today too." I admit to her, ashamed of myself now, "They were just trying to help." I whisper.

"Is that why you didn't want me to call them?" she questions finally getting me.

"I think so." I say "I didn't want them to know I was in pain." I say, "Especially after what happened to dad." I explain to her.

"Are you mad I called them?" she questions.

"No, I was surprised when they told me you did but… I'm not mad." I say stroking the back of her hand. The blissful peace of just sitting outside on the warm summer night eases me slightly, to point where I finally start to feel less irritated and afraid, Meredith and I will find our way out of the dark… even if I can't she'll pull me through because she'll always be the strongest person I know.


	5. Chapter 5

The sun light slowly begins to dim as her soft hair rests against my cheek. I wish there was a way to stay like this forever. Safe, peaceful, alone; things neither of us seem to come by given the recent events. The warm breeze blows peacefully in the courtyard of the hospital I've been succumbed to yet desperately want nothing more than to leave. This place… _how can I even face anyone?_ _I _pulled the plug on his wife, _I_ sat there being cold towards the man, _I_ got everyone shot. He was coming here for me, but instead he shot everyone is his way. Yet, even when staff members, my colleagues, _my friends _were killed or injured, I'm relieved to be alive. Why did I get to live but all those innocent people die?

"Derek." I feel her lightly shaking my shoulder, snapping me out of my thoughts, "It's getting kind of late, we should probably head back inside." She says gently, almost disappointedly. The last thing I want to do is go back inside that place. I nod gently at her and she stands, quickly and easily snapping up to the standing position. Slowly, I start to position myself upward. I will myself to stand and the radiating pain in my chest seems to shoot out into my arms. I try desperately not to cry out but a horrifying noise escapes from my mouth that makes her cringe. "Do you need help?" she questions feebly. Yes, but I'm not about to make you support almost twice your weight. I feel my head shake left and right quickly and she opens her mouth, please don't fight me on this, I shoot her a pleading glance and she quickly closes her mouth before the words even exit her perfect pink lips. I let out another loud groan as I feel myself leave the bench and my legs stretch to a standing position. I breathe deeply, trying to catch my breath from the sheer exhaustion of just standing up. Sweat pricks my forehead runs down my back; I'm tired from simply standing up. I scoff and laugh sardonically internally, people died and I'm mad that I get tired trying to fucking stand.

"Sorry, I had to catch my breath." I say turning my attention back to her.

"Your fine it's not like we have to be anywhere." She says teasingly now, I grin at her and she giggles in return as her blond locks blow backward from the light breeze. I grab her hand now and her cold, skinny fingers intertwine with my large clammy ones.

"Sorry, my hands are all clammy." I say, knowing they feel uncomfortable against her dry ice cold ones. She lightly squeezes my hand and the chill from her tiny palm makes mine feel cooler.

"Derek, my hands are freaking freezing, not to mention when there not cold their usually clammy, you have the nice warm ones." She reassures, I can't help but laugh lightly and grip around her hand tighter as we walk back towards the door of the large white building. Upon entry into the building the smell makes hits me and makes me almost nauseated. The sterile, clean smell has never bothered me considering my profession but it's different when you're a patient. When I'm a doctor at this hospital this smell represents the peaceful and quiet oasis I get to work in, as a patient however, all it reminds me off is constant pain and the barred restriction of this hospital. The smell invades me and the sea of vast white everywhere makes me feel dizzy.

"Are you okay?" I hear her concerned voice harp at me.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I respond, trying to get around the exhaustion and the dizzy sensation overtaking me. I continue to step, one foot at a time but it continues to become harder and harder with each step I take forward. I continue to plow forward, feeling more and more off balance until I feel her holding me up.

"Ok, Derek your using the chair." She says firmly, I can walk… "Can you stand while I got to get it?" she questions, I nod weakly and she looks at me worriedly.

"MerI just slipped Ican walk." I slur, real convincing. She pushes the chair behind me, and my chest protest loudly as I lower myself to it in defeat, maybe I can't walk. The constricted feeling in my chest makes its way to the surface, and I start to struggle to breathe.

"_Derek, we're bringing you to the OR, you're going to be ok, just hang in there." _

The memory haunts me, they all seem to flash back at once and the painful pressure in my sternum and ribs only worsens as I struggle to breathe, _why can't I breathe? _The pain seems to intensify and radiate as I gasp for what feels like my last breaths. "Mer?" I wheeze desperately and she kneels down next to me. She cups her hands on my shoulders now and stares at me, her aqua eyes tainted with fear yet her expression and demeanor seem perfectly calm.

"Shh Derek you're okay, just breathe. Your fine." She sooths I continue to with quick choppy breaths and the knife continues to stab into my chest. She grabs my hand and puts it against her chest now, the steady rising and falling of it calms me slightly, "Breathe slowly like I'm doing now." she says. I finally feel myself steady out and the terror slowly fades from my subconscious.

"That hurt." I say breathlessly as I feel the hot tears stream down my face. I lower my hand from her chest and she lightly grips it again, "but Mer… I'm sorry." I call out desperately to her.

"Don't be sorry, but you're safe, I promise." She says as her soft lips rest against my quivering Adam's apple. "But I think I may need to help you shave tomorrow." She says giggling against the ruff stubble coving my face and neck.

"Thank you, I just- I couldn't breathe." I say, why the hell couldn't I breathe?

"Derek, you had a panic attack." She admits cautiously almost as if I'll blow up at her. I _did_ have a panic attack. The realization shocks me; I wasn't dying just going insane.

"Great not only is your husband physically not able to take care of himself but he's mentally insane." I spit bitterly.

"Shut up!" she exclaims now in her bossy tone, "Derek Christopher Shepherd, you were just shot, so obviously you cannot take care of yourself right now, but on the other hand you have every right to be not okay right now, the physical pain will get better and the emotional pain will too, and if not well I'm a little crazy too." She says demandingly. I can't help but smile at her; she's adorable when she's being bossy and motivational.

"I love you Meredith Elizabeth Grey." I say stroking her cheek now.

"I love you too Derek Christopher Shepherd." She replies kissing my lips lightly now, she stands up and gets behind the chair but freezes at the sight in front of us. Ten pairs of gossipy eyes stare us both down sharply and immediate realization plows into me, _they were all watching._ They continue to stand there eyeing Meredith and I like we're some kind of risky once-in-a-life time surgeries. I can feel her tension and anger building as she stares them all down in response. "What the hell are all of you looking at?" she says angrily, though her voice still sounds sweet and lovely. Some of them look away now but a few continue to stay there frozen, "Don't you get it leave us alone! Go do your damn jobs and stop staring at the chief of surgery before he fires you all!" she explodes, loosing what final shred of patience she has left in her. They all jump at the tone of her voice and the familiar face of Richard emerges among them.

"You all heard the woman, do your jobs!" he yells having a greater effect than Meredith had due to the scrambling they all make. He approaches us now and the uneasy feeling rumbles in my stomach. "Meredith, Derek are you guys okay?" he questions, concerned for the both of us.

"Yeah we're fine." Meredith cuts in quickly flashing him a small smile, "Thank you chief for getting them all away from us." She says nervously.

"Well what happened in the first place?" he questions genuinely concerned about it. The last thing he needs to know about is me having panic attacks.

"Nothing the nurses just need to mind their own god damn business." Meredith says the annoyance still obvious in her voice. He just nods, not wanting to prod any more, considering the gossip mill is probably already buzzing as we speak. He turns his attention to me now and the worry on his face is not easily hidden.

"How are you feeling Derek?" he questions, changing the subject slightly. Like hell I want to scoff.

"My chest is really tender and sore as well as my back and muscles but other than that I'm recovering." I say with fake optimism.

"That's uh… that's good." He says awkwardly, "I've been reading your chart and your post op scans are looking good, Altman should release you in a day or two." He says cordially, of course things between Richard and I are still awkward considering I ruined our friendship by going for a job that I resent anyway. I nod at him and he goes on starts to walk away. "Oh, by the way Meredith, I'm bringing in a trauma counselor soon, named Andrew Perkins and when he gets here everyone is mandated to go to at least group meetings to start and one on one meetings soon after, no if and's or but's." he says sternly, she starts to protest but he quickly walks away before giving her the chance too.

"That's crap." She says pushing the chair with all her might now.

"It won't be that bad." I say trying not to laugh at her.

"Oh yeah sharing our sad feelings in a freakin circle of trust is just going to be a wonderful treat and just what I need." She says sarcastically, "Bite me." she huffs as we enter the elevator.

"First of all this isn't meet the parents so I wouldn't exactly call it a circle of trust, second of all if I wasn't in my injured state, I could most definitely bite you when we get kinky on this elevator." I say finally able to joke with her, she lets a hardy laugh for the first time in days and I smile at the sound of it.

"Reign check on the kinky elevator sex." She says kissing the side of my neck.

"Of course." I reply smiling at just the thought of it. The dinging noise chimes and the doors abruptly open, startling me for a moment until the other side of the doors is completely present and I know there's no one waiting to shoot me on the other side. She pushes me out the door now and we head back towards the room.

"I'm giving you some more morphine when we get back and you're going to bed." She says as we near the room. She turns into the room now and wheels me into the melancholy dimly lit small room. She helps me up from the chair to a standing position and I get dizzy yet again. I drop to the bed and start to swing my legs over, my chest protesting greatly as I do so. I lay my head against the pillow and close my eyes and the relaxation takes over.

/

Meredith Grey leans over the bedside of her husband and watches him sleep peacefully. Though he seems to be fine now she can't help but let worry rise to surface of her emotions. _How could she tell him about the baby when he already blames himself for getting everyone else killed? _The loss of the baby feels surreal to her, like she was never pregnant in the first place. The denial that it ever happened takes over her, easing the pain and sorrow of her loss. She loves that Derek is getting rest but if truth be told, when she's all alone like this she thinks about the lost baby even more and she feels that she's going to just break down and cry from the flood of emotions and what if's that plunder her.

"Meredith, how was dinner?" an eager voice sounds from across the room, Carolyn Shepherd was now lightly approaching her, but little to Meredith's knowledge she had been standing there for a good twenty minutes quietly watching the woman her son was so incredibly in love with. Meredith shoots her gaze upward, startled by the voice.

"Oh it was really nice, I wanted you all to come but Derek just wanted us to eat alone." She says, Derek's mother still makes her nervous. Carolyn walks closer now and takes the seat next to Meredith.

"Meredith, are you okay dear?" she questions, studying her now, she could easily tell by the look in her eyes that she was holding back her emotions. Meredith tears her gaze from Derek now and meets Carolyn's hazel eyes, she freezes for a moment, shell shocked from the ambush she's just been hit with. She immediately straightens up, feeling all her muscles tighten up and quickly become tense.

"Oh, yeah I'm fine." She says shakily, though she tries desperately to hide it from the woman. Carolyn continues to eye her, not believing a word out of Meredith's mouth, she thinks about saying something but ultimately remembers her from the last visit to Seattle, and considering everything Derek's told her about the woman, prying for her true feelings would most likely get her nowhere; instead she simply flashes a kind smile at her, exactly like Derek's smile. Meredith can't help but grin back at her, she hadn't noticed it before but, Derek most definitely inherited this woman's smile. "Sorry, he's uh… a sleep, we went for a walk and it tired him out."

"Oh, Dear it's fine he needs his rest anyway." She says reassuringly as she takes the seat next to Meredith's now. "His sister Jenna is coming up soon, she really wants to meet you." She says warns. Meredith tenses up, but says nothing as she fakes a small smile, great another one of the perfect haired, chatty, and most likely judgey Shepherds. Silence stretches between the two as Meredith continues to stare at Derek. Her mind wanders back to their child, the house in the woods and the next 60 years, all three things she'd taken for granted without even realizing it.

"Meredith! It's so nice to finally meet you!" Meredith is torn from her day dreaming now and a familiar pair of blue orbs meet her's. The woman is shorter, about 5'4", the same height as Carolyn Shepherd. Though she got her mother's height and nice button nose, she looks like Derek; slender physique, rounder movie star-like shaped face, perfect lips, perfect smile, the blue eyes, and of course the raven curls, she's absolutely gorgeous, it's almost ridiculous to think she's a Cardiac surgeon with three kids at home. The physical similarities between she and Derek are obvious, unlike Nancy who, though is tall and skinny resembles Carolyn a lot more than she resembles Derek. She looks as though she's probably in her early thirties, though Meredith knows she has to be older than Derek, though she doesn't look it in the slightest bit. Meredith offers the girl a small smile and tightens her grip on Derek's hand.

"Hi." She says, trying to sound bright and excited to see the woman. Meredith stands up to shake her hand but Jenna pulls her into a hug, she tenses up but returns it once her body reacts to the contact, "It's great to meet you too." She says as she takes her seat yet again.

"We've heard so much about you back in Connecticut but, Kathy, Amy and I haven't had the privilege of meeting _the_ Meredith Grey yet." She says, truly excited to meet the woman her brother is so crazy about. And odd sense of comfort comes over Meredith now, not only is her physical appearance a lot like Derek's but… in general _she_ was just a lot like Derek, which of course made Meredith feel a lot more comfortable around this sister than she ever felt around Nancy.

"Oh… well I-" she freezes now, not sure how to respond. Carolyn perks up at once cuts in.

"So Meredith, this is the end of your third year of residency, am I correct?" she questions, knowing the topic of work would be more comfortable for the girl.

"Yes I'll start my fourth year within the next month or two." She says, thankful for Carolyn's intervention.

"What are you planning to specialize in?" Jenna questions, hoping maybe she'll have a cardio future Cardio goddess in law like Nancy had with Addison in the Neo-Natal specialty.

"I'm not 100% sure yet, but I'm thinking Neuro or General." She says.

"Very nice, I'm a Cardiologist." She says proudly, the tone of arrogance in her voice mirrors Derek's and Meredith can't help but giggle lightly, Jenna gives her a stare and Meredith's hand flies up to her mouth, embarrassment rains over her.

"Sorry I'm not laughing at you, well I am but I swear it's just the arrogance. Not that it's bad… I'm just laughing because you sounded exactly like Derek when you said that." She babbles awkwardly, inwardly scolding herself for how wrong that came out.

"Wow, I don't think you took a breath throughout that entire phrase… that was just talented." She says laughing now, Meredith sighs in relief, "but yeah I get that a lot, Derek and I are a lot alike, anyone who knows both of us knows that for sure." She explains, hoping Meredith will warm up to her soon. Meredith inhales sharply due to the rising panic in her chest.

"So you're two years older than Derek then?" she questions, hoping some of the awkward tension in the room would ease with her small talk.

"Yeah, third oldest in the family." She says proud that she got Meredith to at least make small talk with her.

"So… I uh have one question dear, I hope you don't find it intrusive but I have to ask, when I went into the bedroom to sleep I noticed the drawing of a ridiculously large spinal cord tumor on the wall. How did that happen?" she questions curious for an answer. Meredith sighs in relief at the fact that her question was way more of a minor one then she thought it was about to be.

"Oh, well Derek had this guy who worked here at the hospital come to him with it; he wanted him to remove it." She starts, Jenna's eyes bug out of her head at this.

"He actually removed a tumor that massive and didn't bother to tell me about it!" she says in shock, "Why that little…" she cuts herself off when Carolyn gives her the "shut up and let Meredith finish her story look."

"Anyway Derek tried to remove it but it completely stunned him the first day and when he came home to explain it to me, he just started drawing it on the wall, I thought he was going crazy." She says amazed at the carefree non-tense tone of her voice. She finally feels the slightest bit of comfort around the family and this excites her. She goes to say more but decides that leaving out the part about the donating liver, rogue surgery, and getting fired by the chief.

"Wow that's just…. Unbelievable." Carolyn says thinking about the time it must have taken to remove such a mass.

"Meredith." The voice cuts in and snatches her attention instantly, "I need your help with something." Cristina says motioning for her to come along with her. Meredith quickly stands up and darts but realizes the presence of the other two people in the room.

"I… oh sorry, my friend Cristina needs me, I have to go." She says apologetically.

"No it's fine; Mark and Nancy should be here soon anyway." Jenna says in her bubbly optimism. Meredith makes her way out the room, anxious to see Cristina. She grabs onto to her lab jacket and yanks her to the left down the long hallway.

"What the hell Cristina!" she yells inadvertently, "I've been calling you for the past three days but you've been MIA I've seriously been so worried about you." She says still tightly gripping her friend's lab coat. Cristina sighs lightly and winces at the force from Meredith.

"I know and I'm sorry… it's just that I-I, I don't know Meredith this past week has been really messed up." She says, Meredith softens now.

"I know and I'm sorry. It's just we all almost died and I got worried about you when you didn't contact me at all." She explains. "Are you okay?" she questions staring her down now.

"I'm getting there." She says with fake enthusiasm, Cristina Yang in all truth is not okay, she knows it and Meredith knows it just by looking at her. "Owen and I are getting married in three months!" she exclaims, happily changing the subject. Meredith grumbles in annoyance.

"That's great." She says, knowing that is all she truly can say to her at this very moment in time.

"But was that Mcdreamy's family you were with!" she says laughing cynically at Meredith.

"Yeah," Meredith says widening her eyes giving Cristina the "help me" look, "They are very chatty people, just like Derek and they're always there saying things… like Derek." Cristina chuckles at this.

"What's up with the sister who was chatting you up! Is she some kind of model or something!" she exclaims at, Meredith agrees instantly.

"That's what I said! I mean really who's that pretty and has three children and is a Cardio Thoracic surgeon in New York!" she exclaims baffled by the perfect Shepherd family.

"How bad is she?" Cristina questions.

"I actually like her, she reminds me of Derek." Meredith confesses, Cristina gags a little, "another Mcdreamy, the world seriously cannot handle that." She says dully. Meredith winces involuntarily and Cristina quickly realizes her mistake in her word choice.

"Crap, Mer I shouldn't have said that" she puts her hand on Meredith's shoulder now and pivots her to face her.

"I know its fine Cristina just please… revert from using the Derek-less world jokes around Me." she says cautiously, not wanting to get angry at her best friend.

Lexie Grey exhales in relief at the sight of her sister as she makes her way down the hall way.

"Meredith!" she calls out in desperation, Meredith and Cristina immediately turn to her now, she runs to her sister and Meredith pulls her into a hug, not knowing what else she should really do. Lexie is… frantic, crying the big crocodile tears and hyperventilating like Meredith typically does when she cries.

"Lex, what's wrong, Oh God is it Alex?" Meredith feels her panic level rising. Lexie quickly shakes her head from left to right and Meredith and Cristina breathe easy for a moment, Alex is alright. "Then what's wrong?" Meredith says tenderly brushing a lock of bleached blonde hair out of her face. Lexie opens her mouth to speak, but she can barely breathe let alone talk.

"Lexie, just breathe in and out, then tell us what's wrong." Meredith stares at Cristina in shock for a moment at the kind tone in her voice_, that is not the voice of Cristina Yang._ Lexie stand for a moment as her sister hugs her and finally catches her breathe enough for her to be able to speak.

Meredith grabs her shoulders and makes her way through down the hall way and to the empty exam room.

"Meredith, I'm-I'm, Izzie's back and Alex is ignoring me now because I'm kind of crazy and whatever, and not the mention I love Mark! I mean I think I love Mark but it's not like it matters because he hates Alex and I'm a freakin third year resident so I'm pretty much screwed!" she sputters as the tears pour out of her eyes again.

"Lex, you have to tell me what's wrong." Meredith says urging her now.

"I'm pregnant." She whispers breathlessly and that moment Meredith Grey's finally seems to shatter.

**Ok, so I thought that having Lexie pregnant would add a little more drama to the story. I like the idea of Mark having to be there for Alex's kid considering he's not the biggest fan of Alex as it is, not to mention I like the idea of the conflict for Meredith, on one hand she has to be the supportive sister but on the other hand she'll most be inevitably jealous and upset about Lexie's baby and the fact that her's died. So please R&R, feedback is much appreciated.**


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